whoa! where did the month go? year go? more importantly, where did the sex go? i miss it, don’t you? ;p
i do apologize to you, my lovely, sexy readers! my heart has been nursing silently. i’ve been trying to figure out how to be a friend with my ex- whom i still love romantically. i don’t know if that part of me will ever let go completely.
i met him a year ago come saturday, december 4th. it is very bittersweet for me, i guess. i actually made plans to hang out with andy, my ex- from three years ago, the one who broke my heart to the point that i had to start writing this blog to get over him…funny, huh? i thought my heart could never love after andy…and it did. i thought my heart could never break as much as it did after our breakup…and it did. i thought my heart could never heal enough to be friends with andy again…and it did. it’s very bittersweet that andy and i can now hang out, without my heart shattering into pieces…it gives me hope that i can get to this place someday with my current ex-.
i’m just not there right now. i spent thanksgiving with him along with my best friends in sf. at times, i forgot we were broken up, but then i’d realize it and catch myself from taking his hand or giving him a kiss. i miss that so much. he’s one of the most affectionate boyfriends i’ve ever had, so i feel his absence throughout my body, not just the juicy parts. i miss being so smitten with him that you couldn’t suckerpunch the smile off my face. i was happy then. i loved him without any worries or cares or fears of looking stupid or getting hurt. i love him more than i could ever express in my lifetime. so you can imagine how difficult it has been to regain my footing when that world was completely destroyed. like an nuclear bomb, i stood looking at what was left of that life and all the dreams i built around that love…there was and is nothing. for the past 4 months, i think i’ve been searching deseparately through all the wreckage, looking for an insect or the tiniest flower that might have survived, that might grow into a garden someday, that might give me another chance at a new dream.
a year ago today, i only knew e through a few e-mails. we were just setting up our first date. i still had not heard his voice because we didn’t get a chance to talk to each other on the phone. i was still full of so much hope in this guy who wrote so sweetly and honestly and hilariously. i wish i could go back in time and tell that version of me to choose friendship over love with this new guy. i know she wouldn’t listen, but i wish i could still implant a little seed in her head to tread lightly, so that my heart wouldn’t hurt as much today.
…but i’m starting to figure out that he’s not enough for me, at least, right now. i deserve someone who is willing to fight through heaven and hell to never let me go because the reality is that i would never make someone fight through heaven and hell to be with me. if i love you, i open my heart, my soul, my life entirely to you.
your ex is just one big loser for not admiring what he had, i reckon u shouldn’t see him anymore at all. my gf just left me after a year for no reason whatsoever wouldnt even return my phonecalls now. its strange how people you care for the most in the world change
yes, it’s so strange going from the closest two human beings can ever be to nothing or rather in my case, less than.
just move on, stop wasting your glorious years of life stuck over someone who doesnt even give a fuck about your feelings
…but maybe some people are just meant to be friends. isn’t friendship still worth fighting for?
i dont know how u can still be friends maybe u r stronger than me ….its just impossible for me to see her anyone other than the woman i loved once and which i still do which hardly matters for her anymore …i might just relocate in the next couple of days i have had enough of this town
i think i’m just dumber than you.
i think about moving a lot, especially when my heart gets shattered, but whenever i actually think about moving, my heart starts to get so sad that i have to give up on the city i love. i wish you all the very best. take care. time and (distance) always helps in the end. i feel for you. love is never easy, but i think when it’s meant to be, it’s easy to love someone and you both work at the hard stuff of life together, you know? call me a romantic, but i hope to find that someone someday. 