i must be a glutton for punishment?! so last week, i was helping e move into his ex’s apartment, which she is letting him takeover until she feels like moving back in or giving up the rent control apartment she’s had for 8 years. in san francisco terms, it’s basically a gold mine. 
believe me, when he first told me about it, my heart dropped one of those cartoon safes that fall on your head and crush you into the ground. he is living there indefinitely, but to the landlord, he is sam’s boyfriend. ugh! the whole thing made me want to vomit. it brought up all the old feelings of jealousy and insecurities about her and her motives and his unresolved feelings all over again.
being the good friend i was trying to be, i kept my mind as open as i could. so i helped him move into his new place, which still had her bed and couch and her old crutches in the closet, paintings on the wall and wonder woman light switch cover. at first, i felt just numb. i didn’t know how to feel inside, but then it made perfect sense for him to move into a nicer apartment at the same rent price and in a nicer neighborhood. i started easing into the idea, knowing it didn’t matter because e is NOT my boyfriend anymore.
well, it got late, so i ended up sleeping over. lying there in his arms, talking and laughing about his new apartment and life and all that, it felt like old times and i leaned in to kiss him good night. we started kissing passionately and one thing led to another and we fucked like old times. it felt so good being with him again. i felt like we had a real chance of working things out and being together for good this time.
next morning, we cuddled and talked and laughed and i was in heaven. he served me some breakfast, and i went to work. we had sorta hinted at various things we might do later in the day, but as the day went by, he got busy. he was distracted. i tried to join him after work to help set up his new place, and he said he needed to rest and wanted to do it on his own. i started to feel really vulnerable and anxious again. maybe the fuck was just that, a fuck, an itch he had that needed scratching, but that was it and nothing more.
i called him the next day to say that i felt disconnected and didn’t want to cheapen our friendship or end up feeling like a whore. he agreed that he didn’t want to lose my friendship and that he didn’t want me to feel like a whore and that we can talk about it on saturday.
saturday, we went to see “poltergeist” at the castro theater for hallow’s eve. i painted a crazy skeleton out of my face. he let me paint his face. we had a blast. he came over to my place to watch more scary films afterwards, but was falling asleep, so we went to bed, no hanky panky.
in the morning, i started to ask him about tuesday night and what it meant. he said, “well, you know, you can’t feel ‘used’ if you offer.” i realized that we weren’t getting back together again. it was just sex, plain and simple. he said it was very nice, but ultimately, he didn’t see us working out in the long run. i said to him that i might need some timeoff from him, and he simply agreed without a fuss.
what did i expect? i guess i wanted more of a fight, a tear, something more than just an “ok.”
so that’s where i’m at, i’m stuck, still in love with my ex and holding on to a glimmer of hope that he will change his mind or see what he is giving up. i just don’t understand how or why he sees me 2-3 times a week, holds my hand, loves my affectionate gestures, and on occasion, he gives in to my sexual advances. it’s been like this for 3 months since our break-up. we are each other’s go-to person, and yet, he can’t and won’t and doesn’t want to be in a long-term relationship with me. it drives me nutty, but at the end of the day, i’m the one who put myself here. i’m the insane one, trying to make sense of something that will never work out.
i miss him being my boyfriend, so i think i should just take the time off cold turkey, but i know that i will miss him being my friend. it sucks either way, i’m just trying to figure out which one hurts less. i hate that the holidays are coming around the corner, and i don’t have someone to share them with yet again. last year this time, i really, truly thought that i was going to find that someone to share my holidays with, my life with, my everything with. ultimately, i think that’s the part that hurts the most. i wanted to be with e this holiday season, but clearly, he could care less to be with me. 
