i’m sorry, i’ve been m.i.a. it’s probably cuz i haven’t really been getting any action to blog about. i’ve been on the verge, but still hiding under a rock.
i put up my profile on okcupid again, but each time someone writes to me, i just want to run for the hills. first of all, the ones i feel like winking at, don’t give me the time of day. the ones who do write to me are not my cup of tea, so i realize that i’m not at all ready to get back into the dating pool. my armpits and legs are hairy, and let’s just say the bikini area could use a team of expert anthropologists to locate and excavate my long-lost mojo before i can even doggy paddle my way to the deep end.
i put up a feeble attempt of a personal ad on craigslist and got two spambots and two men in their late 50s, telling me that they’re my perfect man, besides the fact that i had asked for someone between 30-40. gotta give them props for having balls!
i find myself being a cheerleader in my head wherever i go, “come on, you’re a hottie! look at this guy, he seems like someone you’d like. smile.” for a few seconds, i bat my eyes, stand up straight, boobs forward, and strut. then i feel extremely retarded and have to retreat, and i just realize that i’m not feeling it. i’m not ready to get out there…just yet.
i find myself turning inward, rushing home after work, keeping to myself in most social situations. when friends ask me how i am doing lately, i try to find something interesting to say besides the fact that my heart is still hung up on e. i try to avoid telling them that i still miss him and wish he would come back and really be with me. i highlight the fact that i’m working on some short animations and films and am starting to look into screenwriting again, all the while knowing that i want to be “in love” with e or someone like e who is “in love” with me.
is that the stupidest thing you ever heard? am i just being the most pathetic pussy in the world? i feel so lame. after all the fuss about the women’s movement, at the end of the day, i still just want to be an adoring housewife to my husband who loves me and is the father of our three beautiful children. i want to bake chocolate chip cookies and give my children baths and read bedtime stories. i want to cook dinner for my husband and sleep in his arms every night and wake up in the middle of the night to make love and talk about anything and everything that comes to mind in those wee hours of the twilight. i just want to have someone i adore by my side and know that i’m not alone in the world. it’s “our” world, not just “mine.” i’ve been alone most of my life, i’m just so tired of fighting it all on my own.
i hang out with e about once a week now. when we do, i ask him at some point of our outing, “do you miss me?” ”you do know i’m not entirely over you?” “was i that miserable to be with that you would choose to be alone now?” “haven’t you punished me enough?” “are you done now? are we getting back together?” he obliges me with a nervous smile and replies, “i’m sorry.” i rest my lips in the groove of his neck, and he holds me and says, “yes, i miss you.” “i’m sorry, should i go away?” “you were the best girlfriend. i was just a terrible boyfriend.” “i’m not trying to punish you. maybe i’m just punishing myself?” “i just can’t be your boyfriend right now. i just need to be alone right now, but we can still be very close while i’m single.”
that last line just kills me because a twisted part of me holds onto that last sentiment and wraps it with all the hope in my heart and kisses it everyday, waiting in vain for it to grow. he’ll be back when he’s ready to be with someone again. when he’s ready to put a relationship in his top priority, he’ll be back. he’ll be back, when he realizes that i was the best thing to ever happen to him. he’ll be back, for sure!!!
and then i wake up each morning and feel the empty part of my bed where he used to rest his head…and realize it’s really over. 
