lately, i’ve been struggling with e, but also trying to come to terms with things. he doesn’t make it easy on me though. ultimately, i don’t make it easy on me either. the other day, he came by to have lunch with me on his day off, which was so sweet, something i always had wished he would have done while we were dating. we picked up some sandwiches which he paid for. then we sat in the san francisco park where many older generation chinese men and women play mahjong together like an excited crowd betting on a chicken fight. we sat on a bench very close to each other, like two young lovers playing hookie from school.
me: “you know, e, i’m not over you yet?!”
he looked at me with his puppy-dog innocent eyes, “umm, so should i leave or go eat with that man reading his newspaper over there?”
we giggle, looking over at the man. i at first, agree that is where he should go.
me: “no, it’s just there are moments i see you, i just want to kiss you, and god, you smell soooooooooooooooo good…it drives me crazy. look at this perfectly beautiful day, sunny, we’re in this chinese park with happy mahjong players, we should be kissing each other, happy in love.”
at that moment, one of the older gentlemen toppled over like a turtle rolling on his shell. e jokingly said, “oops! little man down.” luckily, he was a spry guy for an older gentleman with a cane. he eventually got up again.
he: “i’m sorry. there are moments when i think about kissing you, too.”
me: “what do you do?”
he: “i try not to think about it.”
me: “you’re a jerk! why are you punishing me like this?!”
he shrugged his shoulders, “i’m not punishing you or anyone. well, maybe i’m punishing myself.”
then he held me in his arms for a good, long hug, and i gently kissed his neck and nestled my face into the sweet space between his neck and shoulder. i miss him so much, and know that hanging out with him is probably not the best thing for me to do at this time, and yet, i hate the thought of cutting him out of my life right now.
ugh! heartbreak just s*cks all-around. 
i promise eventually, i’ll be back to writing fun, fuck-filled entries. it’s just while i’m healing from my leep procedure and heartbreak, sex is probably the furtherest thing from my mind. i don’t even have the urge to touch myself lately. ugh! now, that’s just sad.
