jeezus, sometimes i wish i enjoyed drinking or smoking pot or snorting cocaine because that would be better than calling up your ex- sober but delirious with heartbreak emotions.
wtf! i go about my day staring at my cellphone, wondering if he’ll text or call, mostly i’m yearning for him to say, “i’m sorry. i’m an idiot. i let the best girlfriend i ever had walk out of my life because i was stupid, but now i can see it and totally get it. i love you. i’m in love with you. and i never want to let you go ever again.”
this will happen when pigs fly and hell freezes over and e gets his brain alien-abducted switched with the brain of the dream guy i’ve always wanted to meet and thought he just might or maybe could be for me…in other words, this is NOT going to happen.
but i still stare at the phone, wondering, wishing, hoping and then growing desperate as the hours pass…so when i can’t take his absence anymore, usually 3 days, i emotion dial. he answers in his cheery “what’s happening?” way. i turn into mush and start crying, “i miss you. are you ready to come back yet? are you really happy now? was i that miserable to be around? you probably think i’m a total freak, crying like this. i’m sure you’re glad you don’t have to deal with a freak like me anymore. it’s just i’m struggling a lot. for the past month, i’ve been wandering around like a zombie. i suffer from insomnia. i just can’t seem to let go of the fact that we fit so well, you were my ‘home’ and i thought i was yours. there’s so many things i still want to do with you, and now i can’t.”
“we can still hang out as much as you like. i just can’t be your boyfriend.” is his reply. my head gets it, but my heart just winces in pain, and i start to become a blubbering idiot slurring my words with choked up tears until he says, “ummm, well, i gotta go. i’ll talk to you later.”
i’m left sitting in my own pile of tears, tissues, and patheticness that’s been collecting for the last month. i smell like death, worse than death because i’m alive and still decomposing. ugh! i stare at my phone and delete his number, as if this will save me from the next time…i know how to find his number online, if i have to, but i go through the emotions anyway.
i wish i could split myself into three: one can cry as if the world has ended and try to reach for the phone, while the second split can slap the first one silly and go about my life, and the last split can cradle the first one and tell her that it’s going to be all right, this hurts like shit, but eventually, it will hurt less and less until the pain subsides…in time. most importantly, i won’t abandon myself, and i have enough love in my heart for myself and for a happy future with or without e…i deserve it. :)
