ok, so lately, there’s been this friend i’ve had for 6 years whom i’ve suddenly started to feel a little more romantic towards. he’s actually an ex-boyfriend of my younger sister, so i never even thought of him as a possibility for me. he never said or did anything to make me think otherwise, either, so it had never occurred to me to rock the boat.
a week ago, we went out and spent such an amazing day together and i started feeling something flutter in my stomach, an actual butterfly. i couldn’t tell if he felt anything, but my brain started getting a little giddy, something i haven’t felt in a while since andy. i kept telling myself that i was just imagining things. i shouldn’t ruin a perfectly good friendship over this silly feeling in my stomach.
well, this past weekend, he and i and another friend went for a hike, and i was all smiles, my heart felt so happy being around him, and everything in my body just wanted him to know, but with my other friend there, i kept it all inside until i had convinced myself to just shut up and keep it to myself.
then 4am i woke up with the worst sore throat, and i started to write a long e-mail professing my feelings, drowsy and drunk on nyquil—never a good idea. i laid my heart down, basically saying if he had feelings a little more than friendship, maybe we should go on a date and see what happens? and if not, let’s just pretend i never wrote the e-mail. i told him how wonderful and handsome and genuine he is and how much i value having him in my life…ugh! ugh! ugh! a few more mooshy paragraphs later…i pressed “send.”
today’s monday, he still hasn’t written back…i feel like a total dorkus bajorkus! what the hell is wrong with me?! i most likely have ruined a perfectly wonderful friendship with a really sweet guy.
i feel like i just took that one butterfly and was so happy to have found her that i suffocated her to death instead of of letting her just be. 
4 Comments
July 6, 2009 at 11:18 am
Wait tell he rights back. And to be honest, if you have these feelings it is the best course of action. Sit down, let me tell you a story. A few years back, before I got in this horrible situation with my soon-to-be-ex, there was a girl, a girl that I was so in love with words cannot even begin to tell you. I wanted to tell her how I felt. We were great friends and hung out all the time and I was affraid if I told her how I felt that those great adventures that we had together would disapear because I would scare her off. Where is she now? I don’t know. She got married and moved back to Minnesota. The point is, is that even taking into the account the worst senario of me asking her out back when were speaking to one another and her saying no, my current situation would be no different. But, she might have said yes, but I’ll never know. A few posts back I told you about my preminition that I was going to die soon, I think in large part this is where those thoughts come from. She was and still is the only person that I ever truly loved without any preconditions and she is gone forever. Remember, you only get one chance at life, better to take the risks and be happy, then to not and spend the rest of your life wondering.
July 6, 2009 at 1:07 pm
thanks. i’ll take that to heart while i feel like an idiot for a little while longer…tee hee. ;p
July 6, 2009 at 12:16 pm
My heart goes out to you. Maybe he doesn’t check email all that often. Hopefully you will get a happy reply.
Maybe we should sit on initial drafts of emails for 24 hours before sending. It is just a good policy. Or, better yet, have a 3rd party review the email before sending.
July 6, 2009 at 1:09 pm
that’s a really good rule…i think drunk on nyquil at 4 o’ clock in the morning is never a good time to be writing any sort of e-mail to anyone…tee hee. ;p