the king of pop is dead. wtf?! i feel like a part of my youth died with him, too. i grew up, singing his songs and who could forget the one shiny glove, the glowing pavement steps, or the crotch grabbing for no apparent reason?! i loved that man’s music…the man himself, not so much. i think i just felt sorry for him. he is literally the face of self-hatred. we all have things about ourselves that we wish we could change, but we don’t go under the knife so many times that your face no longer looks human. i felt really sorry for him—i mean the man had some serious mental issues, but i don’t like to speak ill of the dead, so i’ll stop there.
speaking of death though, lately, i’ve been in this strange frame of mind that i’m going to die in a year. it’s this visceral feeling in my gut that has caused much anxiety about trying to figure out how to get all the things i ever wanted in my life: #1 is love, #2 is sex, i mean goooooooooooood sex, not that lame kind, and #3 is happiness about a life well-lived. on the otherhand, this new death sentence has caused me to evaluate the way i approach the world. no more apologizing for who i am. living more authentic to myself. no more feeling bad that i don’t actually have someone to fuck for real, when i’m masturbating as much and as often as i want.
my therapist said that maybe it’s not my physical death that is coming, but instead a part of me that is dying, the part of me that still believed in fairytales and that ridiculous idea that i’m not complete until i meet my other half. i am whole just the way i am, and if a guy comes along, he has to be a whole, too—that way we can walk side by side instead of me always feeling inferior or needing to make myself less than me, just to fit him. NO MORE apologies for being me. 
so i guess in a weird way, michael jackson’s death is a reminder for me on how to live and really, truly love myself for who i am. may you rest in peace, michael, and have a kickass fun party with farrah and ed!
2 Comments
June 26, 2009 at 9:28 am
It is very said the MJ died, but he was one f-ed up dude, but Thriller was an great album. It also said about your believe that you are going to die in a year. I had the same thing happen to me about two years ago when the relationship with my ex-wife began to go sour, now that it’s all over I haven’t had that feeling again. My guess is that is stress related and concern that you might your not getting out of life what you want. You should always love and live for yourself first.
June 26, 2009 at 9:46 am
thank you. that gives me hope that this feeling is just a passing feeling, and my body is telling me that i need to change my life in a whole new way to begin to live again.