ok, so max closed my profile. his reason = other (which means he just didn’t feel it as i did from my pic and profile). i’m crushed, but his loss! ;p
i get another 7 matches, filter through them, the one guy i find interesting closes my profile immediately. his reason = i’m pursuing another relationship. i am bored. so i try to be a little more active and send 5 e-harmony multiple choice questions to john before he decides to close my profile. no reply yet. this feels like taking a mirror and conducting brain surgery on oneself—kinda tedious and torturous and probably disastrous, esp. cuz i flunked out of o. chem years ago. the kicker—i paid for this. does that mean i’m a masochist??? or a sadist???
anyhoot, so last night i go to a photography meetup. it was bit awkward cuz i was the first on there—even when i’m running late, i’m still early—my dumb luck! my roommate and therapist had given me an assignment that i’m supposed to talk to 3 new people, preferably single men and just chat with them. as great as i am on a date, i’ve got NO game at all when i meet random men in my everyday life if you are even remotely attractive to me. i just turn into a blubbering idiot.
so since most of the men in this meetup group are old, not attractive and sorta awkward, i’m talking to men and women left and right. then this guy who i used to work with 5 years ago showed up, and my heart sorta leaps forward (back story- this was one of the it guys i had developed a crush on back in the day, thinking he was all cute and nerdy but later when i asked him out, it turned out to be a total playboy schmoozer) . well, so i walk up to him and we cordially greet each other. mind you, this is the first time he and i are actually talking to each other. we talk for a good 15 minutes, and he is sorta downer, complaining about work people, his dad, real estate market, money, and several ex-girlfriends (emphasis on the EX-). he’s still physically cute to me, but emotionally and intellectually and even spiritually, i’m still unsure. then we mingle with some more people separately.
as i’m about to head out, i look for him to say, “good-bye.” he was in an intense talk with someone, so i start to write a quick note that says it was fun seeing him again and maybe we can grab a bite. i included my number, but before i could give it to him and slip away, he tells the other guy that he needs to leave with me, a friend. we head out, and he asks if we can sit cuz he feels a little woozy from standing up all day. we sit and talk for another 30 minutes. he tells me a little more about him growing up abroad and in the states and more ex-girlfriends. when i get a word in edge-wise, he begins to yawn, so i suggest that i let him go home. he suggests getting coffee or lunch sometime. i hand him the note. he says he’ll text me…yeah, right, i’m sure he’s looking for his next ex-girlfriend. 
so into the empty night i rode off on my bike, feeling a bit sad, but trying really hard to just accept whatever life/love/lust throws at me, and remain true to myself through it all. at the end of the day, the only person who can truly love me is me, as cliche as that is.
1 Comment
June 5, 2009 at 5:22 am
“this feels like taking a mirror and conducting brain surgery on oneself.” That imagery made my day – I’m still laughing.
Things will get better, just don’t think that you are defeated and destined to live life alone, because the moment you think that, you are and you will. But still always go with what you heart tells you is the right path. Sometimes the long road, while filled with bumps and rutts and even washed out in some places, leads you to the very place you want. If true love were that easy to find, the world would be a lot better place, hell, if some political leaders new what true love is we would all probably be singing cumbyah around a camp fire someplace instead of bombing the shit out of each other.
As for this guy you met who talked non-stop about his ex’s, yeah, sounds like a train wreck.
Of course this advice is coming from someone who has an overactive sexual imagination, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not looking for the same thing, it’s just that life happens, and sometimes you get some on your shoe.
OK, that’s my last analogy.