if you read one of my past blogs, “fuck my stomach!” how i get ravenous for human touch when i go for a long time without. well, it happened again. i haven’t actually had sex for 8 months now and kissing someone since my awful boob biting incident, so i met up with a guy yesterdsay for a date. he and i had been e-mailing for about 3 weeks and had two very steamy chats on the phone, so i was excited and afraid to actually meet him in person. i, of course, would prefer to have sex with someone i love, but then again, a part of me just wants to have sex, have fun, and enjoy my sexuality without feeling so guilty inside.
we had a really good time, but at the end of the day, i am left unfulfilled and questioning why do i even bother trying. i’ve been dealing with depression lately, and have been slowly coming out of it, so i thought i’d give dating another try. met this guy on match.com. his name was matt (i knew i was already in trouble; the few matt’s i’ve met have only been trouble for me unfortunately, “the best fuck of my life.” (http://sexnlovebites.wordpress.com/2008/03/11/the-best-fuck-of-my-life)
during the course of the daylong date, here are the number of things that bothered me about him:
he told me that he had dated a married woman last year (she was very unhappy in her marriage, but was staying in it for her kids and was now separated)…this should have been when it ended, since that’s one of 3 things i can’t deal with–infidelity!
2) he reminded me of the “bad andy” in several ways (he came from a very troubled childhood, was too cocky for his own good, annoying at times with his obnoxiousness, poopy humor, selfish and very self-centered) you’re asking me, “then why did you continue with the date?” he was very charming, good-looking, funny, smart, and i was enjoying my time with him for the most part.
3) i told him about my hpv infection and how he had to use a condom if he wanted to have sex with me. he agreed, but then as we were fucking each other, he told me that he couldn’t feel anything and had to stop, so he pulled out and threw away the condom. i told him i’d suck him off, if that would help, but in the heat of the moment, he stuck his penis in me and fucked away. afterwards, i started to worry that i had given him what i have. later, we fucked again, he didn’t want to use a condom, and before i could get one, he was already inside me. subconsciously, i thought if i rejected him, he’d reject me, so i didn’t insist, i didn’t slap him, or push him off me…i just let him fuck me.
4) he told me over dinner that he doesn’t want to get married until he’s in his 40s. he’s 34 now. he said he’s not even sure if he wants kids, but is in no hurry to find out just yet. he’s just enjoying life! (how i envy men in general for not having a biological clock!)
5) he’s a loner, too independent in the sense that he said he has a hard time living with other people. he likes his independence too much to have to compromise anything about himself.
6) he isn’t sure if he has ever been “in love” with anyone…i never can quite trust someone who’s never been in love, it makes me wonder if he has the capability of loving someone else but himself, especially cuz he says he is not close to any of his family members.
after he left last night, a part of me felt like dying. there’s this weakness in me that causes me to believe that i don’t deserve to be treated better, that i don’t or will never find true love, so i settle for a good fuck every once in blue moon, and that ultimately, i’ll die alone and heartbroken. i started to worry about how many other women matt might infect now because i couldn’t close my legs or insist that he use a condom. the craziest part is that i don’t even know if he already was infected with hpv in the past because there’s no test for men, and he seems like he’s just out there dating and fucking as much as he pleases, thinking he’s completely clean all this time.
i have a feeling in my gut that i won’t see or hear from him again, and in a way, that’s all right. i did some things yesterday that i’m not proud of, and i have to live with the choices i made. i probably will go back into hiding and live quietly alone, dealing with all my own hang-ups and trying to make sense of it all. when did dating gets so complicated?!
i’m writing this in hopes that you who are reading this can learn from my mistakes. don’t give up on love, be safe when you have sex, and remain true to yourself always.
1 Comment
July 21, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I have to say that reading your blog backwards has been interesting.
I want to let you know three things. First hpv is like the common cold in the world of sex. Most people will get it and never know.
Two, I commend you on wanting him to wear a condom… and that you are now worried about him infecting other people… but dear what about what he could’ve infected you with you.
Three, I understand that need to be touched and wanted by another human being… so your “weakness” makes you human, but you should also realize that the most incredible person in the world that is in your life is you. You have to love and respect yourself first, and then true love will come to you… i tell you it will come to you when you least expect it.