i’m struggling with trying to keep my memories of andy sweet and loving in my mind and heart. now that i don’t see him and that we are no longer friends, i find that when i pass by certain neighborhoods, shops, movies and songs related to him, my heart dies a little. there’s this huge lump of fire in my throat, and i feel the tears well up in my eyes. i try to hold on to the happy side of the memories, something funny andy said or something i did, trying to protect the memory from the dark clouds that start to surround it and destroy everything good about what andy and i shared. i know i’m the only one who can stop these negative thoughts and feelings that keep choking me in the middle of the night, waking me from my tormented sleep, making me wear the cloak of gloom around my neck everyday…everything seems to torment anything good in my life these days.
the other day, i went to a death cab for cutie concert at the greek theater. this should have been a good thing, but it started to make me think about how two years ago i had been at the same concert, thinking and missing jay. i could see him with jewel at a bloc party concert. the opening act was rogue wave, a group jay and i were supposed to see together. that led my thoughts spiraling down into how much i hated jay for hurting me so much. and then it led thoughts to andy, the only decent guy in the world who cared about me and actually respected me as a person. then i wished i was still with him, i still wished he loved me, and then i could let go of shitty jay who clearly doesn’t hold a candle to the man andy was and is.
it’s so stupid, the irrationality of my mind. whether or not andy is still in my life or not, shouldn’t taint the lovely memories we shared together. whether or not andy is still in my life or not, jay was not the right person for me. i guess in my head and heart, i’m just so angry that jay got to move on so quickly and is practically married to his high school best friend now, while two years later, i’m still struggling, i’m still alone, and i’m still fucked up from all that heartache he gave me two years ago.
everytime i pass by a place or hear a song that relates to my past loves, it’s this physical reminder to me that i fucked up another relationship yet again. i adore that movie, eternal sunshine of a spotless mind because that’s my ultimate secret wish, to be able to erase the memories of past loves, so i can move on. i don’t want to regret my life ever, but if i had the choice, i’d give up all my past relationships to be a 33-year-old virgin now, living vicariously through films and friends. my heart’s been bruised to the point that i can hardly breathe these days. i barely got up this morning to go to work and keep myself afloat instead of drowning in my sorrows and heartbreak…i want to leave you with a positive thought, but i can’t think of one at the moment. i hurt too much inside.
2 Comments
June 23, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I’ve read you enough now to recognize recurring themes. You must see it too, right? I don’t mean you have exactly the same experiences but the experiences you do have produce familiar feelings and unsatisfactory outcomes, right?
Everything happens for a reason. That’s comforting I think. If you can accept that then your experiences and emotions from them are loving reminders that you cling to some belief that doesn’t serve you. I think we betray ourselves over and over again and the souls who participate with us are loving partners helping us to finally see clearly. It can happen now or eons from now. It doesn’t really matter when.
As you can see, your experience touches to me.
rw
June 24, 2008 at 5:42 am
Hey, life is not something to be lived vicariously! Never! The whole reason your blog is so great is ‘cos it’s so right there, so up front and real!
So maybe *accept* the sorrow and hurt and anger and all the rest as just a normal part of moving on, eh? Let it happen, don’t fight it, and it’ll pass, one day, guaranteed.
A life with no past would make for a pretty dull blog, no? And I love your blog! That’s something positive, no?
cheers