One of the challenges of finding love (and any sort of relationship really) as we get older is that we each bring so much history along with us. We become far more comfortable with ourselves than we should ever expect from another. And yet we want that special someone to recognize us instantly — our hopes, dreams and ambitions that amass over 30+ years of life. An overwhelming complexity.

In many ways you want your love to grow the way you always imagined it would since you were a little girl. The trouble of course is that you are no longer that little girl. You are so much more.

Perhaps the lesson here is in the tiniest of details in your story. Not the lessons of love gone bad or just gone. Not in the mistakes and missteps along the way. Perhaps the truth of this story begins in Organic Chemistry where you first learned that dreams, no matter how big, are sometimes just dreams.

The mysterious thing is that even though I think you should look for someone who is as similar to you as possible (in terms of social background, education, values, etc.) we often end up with someone who is quite different than what we had originally envisioned ourselves. “You’re Not the One I was Looking For” (a song by Blue Oyster Cult from Mirrors) talks about this. Not their best song, but I can connect with the lyrics.

Another factor is living in an area where people aspire towards committment rather than a lifetime of “freedom”.

Isn’t it curious to notice how experience and feelings replay over and over until we actually reach the point of wondering if that lover we imagine so perfectly, is even possible and worth the search.

Yet all the while the longing for that lover that began before we can remember keeps courting us.

How can it be so perfect and impossible at the same time?