so back in march when i started dating andy, i actually thought he might be the “one” for me, but i didn’t want to get ahead of myself, so i just took things slowly but surely. it’s really funny. when i first met him, i thought he was too “clean-cut” for me, like mr. rogers. i couldn’t imagine kissing mr. rogers let alone doing mr. rogers (no offense to mrs. rogers, i’m sure he got kinky with those puppets). i remember one thing though from our first date, how much i enjoyed talking with him. i felt so safe and so alive. he was and has and is such a great listener, he would not only listen to my stories, but he also would add onto whatever topic i was talking about and always had a really interesting question to follow up with. i had never met someone especially a guy who was so interested and so thoughtful & thought-provoking. i especially loved and still love to make him laugh. he throws his head up in the air and laughs almost silently, but his body shakes with glee. he looks very much like a little boy who is a little mischievious and can’t wait for you to sit on the woopie cushion he just put on your chair.
he walked me home after the 5 hour long date, and because i was working on music videos at the time, he reached into his bag and gave me a dvd collection of all of spike jonz’ music videos, telling me that perhaps it would help me with my filmmaking. i kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for being so sweet to me. it was the kindest gesture any guy let alone a first date ever did for me.
the next day, he sent a link to a video of himself playing with a rubic’s cube and he looked a little scruffy in it cuz he hadn’t shaved for a week. suddenly, i thought to myself, “hmmm, mr. rogers’ got some attitude.” i couldn’t wait to kiss him. when i did, it was wonderful!!! the sex was amazing! there was a bit of bad boy/good boy in the way he made love to me. it was exhiliarating and fun as hell!!! i turned into a total vixen, and sex was exciting and yummy! outside of the bedroom, we went to concerts, comedy clubs, movies, theater, delicious meals, getting lost and finding secret corners and alleyways throughout san francisco, and just spending the day talking about everything and anything.
but after about 3 months, he told me that he was confused about his life, and thought we should just transition into friendship, which has been so difficult for me in the last 3 months, and yet it has also been so much fun. the time we shared were filled with all the same activities, but it just lacked all the romantic kisses and sex. i still long for him at times, but i’ve learned to let go.
so his birthday is this saturday, and i made this paper maiche heart (not just a fluffy heart, but a real heart with veins and arteries), i painted it cobalt blue and stuck all the ticket stubs to shows and concerts we’ve been to, and i wrote, “i have the disease…you are the cure.” this was something he told me about himself. he said that when girls actually liked him, it felt like the few girls who did, seemed to have a rare disease that only he could cure. well, i had wanted to collect all the tickets for shows we had and would see for a whole year, and give this art project to him on our one year anniversary. well, long story short, we didn’t make it to a whole year, but i thought i still wanted to make the heart for him anyway.
a part of me hopes that he opens the gift and realizes that i’m truly amazing and that he’ll never meet such an extraordinary person as me and maybe just maybe he’ll realize he doesn’t want to ever let me go and we’ll fall in love and live happily ever after. then the other part of me hopes that he opens the gift and loves it and even though he can’t love me the way i wish he would, i hope that he realizes how much i truly love and value him in my life.
if anything, all my past relationships taught me what i don’t want in a lifepartner, but andy has taught me about what i truly need and desire in a lifepartner…basically, someone who loves me as i am, and also encourages me to be the very best version of myself. happy birthday, andy. may all your (and my) most favorite wishes come true!!!
