jeezus, it’s almost august already! where the hell did the time go???
i started off with three goals this year:
1. make films
2. train for a triathlon
3. fall madly, deeply in love
so let’s see, what have i done thusfar…
1. wrote a short film, cast the main characters, will go into production in august hopefully…
2. bought a wetsuit, bought a bike, haven’t actually swam in my wetsuit that makes me look like baby shamu, but i have actually learned to use the gears on my bike and have been riding into work and managing not to get killed by drivers, cyclists, and other crazies on the hills of lovely sf…
3. now for this wacky love business, let’s just say, i met this sweetie in march, the most healthiest relationship i’ve ever had in all my life (in future blogs, i will retell the crazy adventures or better yet, misadventures in love & sex from my past relationships and dates…pull up a chair and get ready to laugh your bellybutton off)…alas, 3 months into it, he said that he was confused and trying to sort out his future, but wasn’t sure how i fit in the picture of things (aka, i know what you’re thinking, “he’s *just that into me*”– i know, i know, i know, shut up already!). he asked if we could transition into friendship, and so for the past 2 months, we have slowly become friends—he’s actually now one of my best friends…until of course, he starts dating some new girl…i know i’ll have to like her, but i also will hate her secretly with all the passion in my heart for him. ugh! i actually dread that moment, but i’ve convinced myself that his friendship is worth it to me. i love him that much! am i being stupid girl? am i the queen of denial?
well, here’s my defense for the moment, sometimes you’re lucky to meet someone who knows you, gets who you are, and still accepts you with all your flaws and beauties and inspires you to be the very best version of yourself. that’s who he is for me, so i just can’t seem to let him go just yet. my therapist has been telling me to follow my heart and in the process really see what is best for me and my life…and after spending time with him, our friendship just makes sense to me. i realize when he meets someone new or perhaps when i do, the dynamics of our friendship will change forever, so until that day, i want to stay in the cozy bubble he and i have created in each other, a safe haven to explore dreams, ideas, and laughter…gosh, i wish i could show you or describe how he makes me laugh…he has that intelligent wit, so sharp that you can get sliced if you’re not careful.
now here’s the down part of this whole arrangement, i’m still very much human. i still have raging hormones, needs, and wants. i miss kissing him. i miss making love and fucking him. sometimes when i hug him, the very scent of his hair and the warmth of his skin next to mine drives me wild with desire, and i hold onto him a little longer than i should. ugh! ugh! ugh!
more to come…i’m off to dreamland where i get to sleep in his arms again…pathetic, i know, but i’m a hopeless romantic…sue me already!
