he likes me, he likes me NOT…

latest updates: i think i want to move to chicago or boston? maybe the men are better there.

the friend who i told i have a crush on finally wrote back to let me know that he had no idea that i felt like that and that he didn’t think it would work out between us and that he hopes it doesn’t ruin our friendship. i was a bit sad, but then again, because i cared about him as a friend for so long, this rejection didn’t crush me too badly.

about a week ago, i met this guy i’d been writing to on and off on okcupid. he turned out to have very beady eyes and didn’t really look like his pictures at all. then when we talked, he seemed so bored with me and disinterested that i was wondering how to end the date after a courteous hour. finally, he actually excused himself, and we said good-bye and wished each other good luck. i didn’t like him. he didn’t like me. no hard feelings. brilliant!

now, i’m currently talking to two other guys on okcupid for the past month or so, and neither one has asked me out. i get this feeling like they’re both dating a bunch of other girls and just stringing me along as a back-up plan…i don’t understand what’s the deal with them?! obviously, they don’t like me like me, right?! i mean why do you keep writing to a girl once or twice a week, but just can’t grow some balls and ask her out? we seem to have a fun, good conversation going via e-mail. it’s just weird?!

then there’s this guy on eharmony who is asking to talk with me, and i’m just sitting here hesitating cuz 1) he lives further than i really want (me not having a car), 2) he’s been married once for 4 months (that’s already a little troubling), 3) he’s had a wide variety of jobs and is now a dj (this could mean he’s got a lot of interests or he’s got major ADD?).  so i’m not sure if i want to even bother opening that door.

so at the end of the day, i still want to find love or at least someone i can trust to handle my heart with care, but i keep getting disappointed in what the world has to offer me. how the fuck did i end up here?!

i so want to fuck ben gibbard…

ugh! ugh! ugh! ben gibbard, lead singer of death cab for cutie is one of the hottest guys in all the world, and his voice just turns me into mushy goo. what i would give to sleep in his arms as he sings softly to me and wake up next to him each and every morning for the rest of my life!!!

ok, so i hear zooey deschanel is engaged to him, and i’m as jealous as hell!!! some people are born talented and lucky! they pursue their dreams of becoming singers, actors, dancers, filmmakers, and artists and actually make it, and they meet other talented, lucky artists and fall in love and make more talented, lucky artist babies…then there are people like me, ones who only dabble and half-ass their talents away. i could have been a writer, a filmmaker, a photographer, an actress, a singer, a painter, and even a decent dancer, but no, i was discouraged by my parents to enter the world of arts all my life. then i let the fear sink and settle into my bloodstream, so by the time i was old enough to pursue these loves as an adult, i let all my opportunities slip through my fingers.

i’m almost 35, still young, but kinda old by “hollywood industry standards.” i think to myself if i could have just pursued my art when i was much younger, i’d be in a place where i might have had an opportunity to meet ben gibbard in my lifetime. zooey deschanel is such a cutie patootie (i couldn’t have wished ben a sweeter fiancee), but to tell you the goddang honest truth, she’s got nothing on me—i’m pretty darn sexy-adorable!!!

so ben, if you happen to read this and things don’t exactly work out with zooey, give me a call. i love you, your voice, your brilliant songs, and i so would rock your world as much as you do mine!!!

the silence is fucking killing me…

why can’t guys just be honest?!

if you like me, you like me. if you don’t, just tell me you aren’t interested. why do you have to go completely silent like a fucking asshole?!

i once heard that guys would rather chop off their right arm than break up with someone in person or tell a girl the truth. we, girls aren’t that fragile. you’re not going to crush my world to pieces, so i can’t go on with my life. you don’t have that much power over someone, and if you seriously think you do, you’ve got other problems to worry about.

you ask me, why do i even care? it’s the principle of it. i’m human like anybody else, and it’d just be nice to be acknowledged as a person who deserves common courtesy, if we’ve met and had a nice date, shared a friendship, and especially if we’ve kissed or fucked. what causes you to ignore my e-mail or call and go completely silent with no explanation at all?

just tell the girl the truth in as kind of a way as you can, even if that means you bring out the corny, “it’s not you, it’s me.” just simply say, “i enjoyed the time we’ve spent, but i just don’t think this is working out. thank you. i wish you all the best.”  jeezus! is it really that hard???

i can’t say it’s fun to hurt someone’s feelings, but in the long run, it’s better to just tell them the truth than to ignore them altogether like they’ve got some kind of contagious disease or aren’t worth a few uncomfortable moments to bear. it’s just the decent thing to do. i’ve had to let some guys down, but i try to do it immediately, so they don’t have to worry or wonder about things. maybe that’s just me?! karma’s a bitch, so i don’t want to screw with her.

the only sweet guy who had the balls (yummy balls to lick) to actually break up with me in person was my ex-, andy. he told me how he was feeling, and when i wept, he also cried with me, showing me that the break-up was actually hard on him, too. i asked him to stay with me the night, just to hold me cuz my heart was breaking…and he did. if guys could be even a fraction of the kind of man andy is, the world of dating would be such a sweeter place.

i mean this doesn’t only go for the boys, girls should be honest, too. i just think that we, girls in general have been taught to express our emotions and feelings more openly than boys, so i want to remind men to stop being such punkass wusses. don’t confuse the girl by going silent!

yeah! yeah! yeah! i know “he wasn’t that into you” excuse, but fuck you, that doesn’t give you the excuse to keep ignoring the girl!!! grow some real balls and be a compassionate person first and foremost!!! hearts shouldn’t be handled carelessly!!!

are hotter guys just fucking hotter kissers…

…cuz they just get more play?!!!

lately, i’ve been extremely horny for a good fuck, but what i crave even more than a rocking roll in the hay is a good kiss…i mean a good, fucking yummy kiss, the kind that makes you forget to cross your legs and gives you asthma for days (and believe me, i don’t have asthma).

out of the small pool of 20+ guys i’ve kissed (haven’t really had a bad kisser in the bunch), i have to admit that the guys i had the most fun kissing were usually really hot and on the flip side also really, extremely flaky…their passionate licks, sucks, and nibbles, and tongue hockey skillz made my panties drenched with excitement and think all kinds of nasty, but then again, they also made me feel like i was just a flavor of the moment, nothing ever long-term.

well, that is until i met andy, he was more don knotts than brad pitt by industry standards, but if you’ve read my other blog entries, you already know that to me, andy was and is a total hottie mctottie with the addition that for a few months, he did want to be mine for keeps, so that made the kissing extra yummy for me. oOOOOO, how i love love loved kissing that boy! damn him for changing his mind on me!

NOT trying to be racist here, but is it like the stereotypes that asians seem to be better at math (i kinda think that this has nothing to do with genes, but rather they just have parents who demand them to study 24-7) and african-americans  seem to be better at athletics? are hotter guys just hotter kissers cuz they were born with the amazing kissing genes (better looking all around with yummier pheromones)? who wouldn’t want to make out with ewan mcgregor or james mcavoy??? ummm, yum, yum, give me some!

i guess my question is more of a lament…i wish i could find me a hot man who is a hot kisser, and also someone who’s going to make me drenching wet for keeps…ahhh, a girl can always dream! i think i need to conduct some more intensive field study on this subject to be sure…any volunteers? ;p

happy humpday to you!!!

wtf happens after “the happily ever after”???

growing up, they never tell you about what happens after “then they lived happily ever after.” they never tell you that sometimes prince charming ends up fucking the ugly stepsister while you’ve gone to visit your fairy godmother.  they don’t tell you that pumpkins don’t actually turn into horse-drawn carriages or mice can’t actually wish you a “happy birthday.”

so i grew up, dreaming about someday meeting the “one,” my prince charming who was made just for me. i thought i’d have met him by now, living my happily ever after.

recently, my older sister who is going through a very messy divorce, told me how she didn’t really feel attractive anymore. she felt like she had too much baggage. i told her that she’s still very attractive, and in time, she’ll be ready for the dating world and that most guys don’t even care if you’re divorced. i’ve gone through so many profiles on match.com where most men don’t care about your marital status.

but in my head, i still want my fairytale. i want to meet my mr. right who was waiting just for me. i don’t want to be someone’s second or third wife. maybe it’s because i’m the second child, and i grew up with hand-me downs for most of my life. i used to be so idealistic that i was going to save my virginity for my husband who would also be a virgin. as years passed, thinking i’d probably die a virgin at the rate i was going at, i modified my original plan and decided that i would have sex with someone i loved. then more years passed, and i was a 26-year-old virgin who hadn’t even been kissed, ready to pop from sexual frustration. so when i met a guy i liked enough, i gave him my virginity. so the last thing i held onto was that i’d marry someone who hadn’t married anyone before. for me, marriage is still very special promise you make with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. as silly as this sounds, i just don’t want my prince charming to have made this promise with some other cinderella or sleeping beauty.

it’s pretty irrational of me, of course because what’s the difference between someone who marries and gets a divorce and someone who just lives with someone for the same amount of time and eventually breaks up??? and yet, i still believe my soulmate is out there unattached waiting just for me.

sometimes i feel so cheated out of sweet, young love because i wasn’t kissed until i was 26, i was raped at 29, and i fell in love for the first and only time when i was 32, but he did not love me back. so i feel like wishing for someone around my age, who fits me emotionally, physically, and spiritually, who hasn’t been married nor had any children yet, and who wants to spend his life with me might be asking for too much, but my love life has been very short in comparison to most, so maybe until i’m 40, i’m still going to wait for my very own glass slipper, one that fits me and only me perfectly.

oops! i fucked up yet again…

ok, so lately, there’s been this friend i’ve had for 6 years whom i’ve suddenly started to feel a little more romantic towards. he’s actually an ex-boyfriend of my younger sister, so i never even thought of him as a possibility for me. he never said or did anything to make me think otherwise, either, so it had never occurred to me to rock the boat.

a week ago, we went out and spent such an amazing day together and i started feeling something flutter in my stomach, an actual butterfly. i couldn’t tell if he felt anything, but my brain started getting a little giddy, something i haven’t felt in a while since andy. i kept telling myself that i was just imagining things. i shouldn’t ruin a perfectly good friendship over this silly feeling in my stomach.

well, this past weekend, he and i and another friend went for a hike, and i was all smiles, my heart felt so happy being around him, and everything in my body just wanted him to know, but with my other friend there, i kept it all inside until i had convinced myself to just shut up and keep it to myself.

then 4am i woke up with the worst sore throat, and i started to write a long e-mail professing my feelings, drowsy and drunk on nyquil—never a good idea. i laid my heart down, basically saying if he had feelings a little more than friendship, maybe we should go on a date and see what happens? and if not, let’s just pretend i never wrote the e-mail. i told him how wonderful and handsome and genuine he is and how much i value having him in my life…ugh! ugh! ugh! a few more mooshy paragraphs later…i pressed “send.”

today’s monday, he still hasn’t written back…i feel like a total dorkus bajorkus! what the hell is wrong with me?! i most likely have ruined a perfectly wonderful friendship with a really sweet guy.

i feel like i just took that one butterfly and was so happy to have found her that i suffocated her to death instead of of letting her just be.

i want sex…the fucking dirty kind!

lately, i’ve noticed that i’ve turned into the stereotypical man who thinks about sex every 5 seconds…it’s yummy and frustrating at the same time. maybe it’s the fact i haven’t had good sex in 2 years? maybe i just happen to be extraordinarily horny lately? maybe it’s cuz i’m 34, what’s supposed to be my sexual peak? hell, all i want these days is just to be fucked every which way by several hot men with juicy cocks ramming my cunt from all directions like a fucking pornstar!

ok, making sweet love would be OOOOOOOOO so nice, too, but right now, i just want someone to take me and fuck me hard, long and raw until i start to walk funny and then come around and fuck me some more until i nearly go blind from the ecstasy. that’s not too much to ask, right?

so you may ask me why not just get myself a one-night stand and fuck away? a friend to fuck around with? just hire a prostitute? become a prostitute for a night or two? try out for a porn film? get the biggest dildo or vibrator i can find and go at it?!

simply put, i want love more…i want a delicious first kiss. i want to feel cared for. i want to trust the person i’m with. i want know that the guy loves me before he slams me up against the wall, hikes up my skirt, rips open my panties, and rams his throbbing cock up my dripping wet pussy while he sucks hungrily on my hard nipples and massages my clit like nobody’s business until my legs are quaking and i am cumming like a mother fucker, barely able to stand up from the ecstasy of an amazing fuck…FUCK ME!

life sucks and not even in a fun way! happy fucking to you!!!

maybe it’s just better to settle…NOT!

ok, boys and girls…i had an actual date—a date with an actual guy who was actually really sweet and actually not a jerk and get this who actually liked me…BUT i wasn’t attracted to him physically. UGH! i could just kill myself. i complain left and right how much i just need to find a nice, decent guy to date in san francisco, and the gods who fucking hate me send me matt, a lumberjack of a guy. he’s not ugly, but he’s also not my normal cute, so i’m torn. my head is telling me to give this one a chance while my heart is feeling disappointed while my loins are shooting off blanks. it’s not an ideal situation for a girl who wants to fall in love.

he was nice enough, smart enough, funny enough, but just not for me. at one point of the evening, he said, “gosh, i would never be able to sleep with a hooker cuz i can only be aroused if i know my partner is aroused by me genuinely.” i wanted to get out of the car at that point cuz i knew he deserved to be with that girl who was genuinely aroused by him, i wasn’t that girl.

at the end of the evening, he held my hands and told me that he looked forward to a second date…i didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth, so i said sheepishly, “yeah, i can see it in the cards.” but when i got into my bedroom, i immediately e-mailed to say that i wasn’t attracted to him romantically and we could be friends, if he wanted to be. well, he never wrote back, and i feel like a shithead, but then again, i don’t want to settle. what kind of life would i have with matt, if i’m always hot for the next guy and not him. it’s not fair to him, but doubly, not fair to me. i want to be with a guy who makes my heart skip that proverbial heartbeat. …and you know what? i fucking deserve that…we all do. don’t settle for less than you deserve cuz you just don’t think he/she’s out there. i mean don’t be ridiculous and look for someone perfect cuz no one is, but at least get the basics that you crave fulfilled. :p

i’m bad…but’s it’s human nature.

the king of pop is dead. wtf?! i feel like a part of my youth died with him, too. i grew up, singing his songs and who could forget the one shiny glove, the glowing pavement steps, or the crotch grabbing for no apparent reason?! i loved that man’s music…the man himself, not so much. i think i just felt sorry for him. he is literally the face of self-hatred. we all have things about ourselves that we wish we could change, but we don’t go under the knife so many times that your face no longer looks human. i felt really sorry for him—i mean the man had some serious mental issues, but i don’t like to speak ill of the dead, so i’ll stop there.

speaking of death though, lately, i’ve been in this strange frame of mind that i’m going to die in a year. it’s this visceral feeling in my gut that has caused much anxiety about trying to figure out how to get all the things i ever wanted in my life: #1 is love, #2 is sex, i mean goooooooooooood sex, not that lame kind, and #3 is happiness about a life well-lived. on the otherhand, this new death sentence has caused me to evaluate the way i approach the world. no more apologizing for who i am. living more authentic to myself. no more feeling bad that i don’t actually have someone to fuck for real, when i’m masturbating as much and as often as i want.

my therapist said that maybe it’s not my physical death that is coming, but instead a part of me that is dying, the part of me that still believed in fairytales and that ridiculous idea that i’m not complete until i meet my other half. i am whole just the way i am, and if a guy comes along, he has to be a whole, too—that way we can walk side by side instead of me always feeling inferior or needing to make myself less than me, just to fit him. NO MORE apologies for being me.

so i guess in a weird way, michael jackson’s death is a reminder for me on how to live and really, truly love myself for who i am. may you rest in peace, michael, and have a kickass fun party with farrah and ed!

i can’t afford any more head and shoulders!

thank you to all who are wishing me a yummy orgasm! that’s so awfully sweet of you, truly.

i think my problem lately is that i can’t seem to get a first date let alone get fucked good and proper.

i was about to meet this guy from match.com last sunday—he seemed uber excited to actually go on a date with me, but come sunday, he’s a complete no show, not even a phone call? and i’m perplexed cuz we had a really fun time talking on the phone and e-mailing before. i had to scratch my head and wonder am i missing something or is something wrong with the men i’m meeting around here?

okcupid.com isn’t any better either. i’ve been on that site since january, and have had a few nice conversations via e-mail, but none of the guys are actually interested in meeting me and the ones i ask out go silent or they delete their profiles. i started jokingly describing the men on that site as hyperactive 7-year-olds on speed, their attention spans are nonexistent.

and don’t even get me started on e-harmony, the worst $120 investment in my life! i should have just taken the cash and flushed it down the toilet—at least, it wouldn’t be this drawn out torture. that site may work for some, but it certainly has been a waste of my time and hard-earned cash. ;( the guys on that site aren’t even flaky, they hide behind their computer screens without making a squeak. i need a MAN, not a mouse.

you ask why don’t i get out and meet men in the real world, believe me, i’m trying. i try to smile when i’m out and about in the world, i volunteer, i train for triathlons, i go to live music shows, and take photography classes. basically, i’m out there living and enjoying my life, but most of the men i meet are gay or already taken, so i’m left checking online for other singles. what’s a girl to do???

i love snowflakes, i eat cornflakes, and i crave chocolate flakes, but when it comes to my men, i want something hard and solid, preferably a genuine heart and a healthy libido to boot. :p any takers?

my pussy cat needs a big doggy bone…ruff!

i haven’t fucked someone for almost one year now…and my last fuck was a terrible one, so you can say i haven’t been fucked good and proper for almost 2 years now…i tried my darnedest a few nights ago to arouse myself and rub myself until i exploded, but it’s like my body had forgotten how to get off. is that even possible?

i mean i was dripping wet with lubrication and my pussy began to quake with excitement, but i just couldn’t bring myself to that magical OOOOOOh of pure ecstasy…and to be perfectly honest, i’ve never really been able to bring myself to that point without a guy’s  juicy cock or talented fingers to guide the way.

i think as good as my imagination can be, i can’t trick my brain to smell the musk of a guy’s chest or the taste of a guy’s tongue or the feel of a guy’s erect cock thrusting inside my cunt good enough for me to get off from playing with myself. i was moaning a certain guy’s name over and over again, begging him to fuck me over and over again, and tried to imagine his eyes looking into mine, his lips kissing my hungry tongue, the feel of his hard erection entering my tight, wet pussy, my hands scratching his back and holding on steady while our bodies rocked in perfect rhythmn getting faster and faster as we both approached the point of no return, but alas, i didn’t orgasm like the way a good fuck can make my head spin and get me all dizzy for days. FUCK! i miss that!

FUCK ME! literally, please cum and fuck me already!

bueller? bueller? bueller? wtf?!!!

ok, so after 70+ odd matches on e-harmony, finally steve, a biochemist who seems really sweet and genuine contacts me. we get through the e-harmony obstacle course in record time, he writes me a nice e-mail and i return with one in kind……then silence, i mean deafening silence. i wait a day, then another, so finally, i can’t stand it anymore, so i write again and ask if i said something offensive in my e-mail (i haven’t, of course, but wtf?). he replies back and tells me something happened in his life that makes dating not a good idea. he wishes me the best of luck, and i am utterly flabbergasted?! really, either the love gods really fucking hate me or this guy is totally lying or i just need to give up cuz the world seems to be fighting against me right now.

it’s like i’m running a marathon, i can almost see the finish line, but some fucking asshole sticks his leg out and makes me trip and fall on my face and now i’ve got a sprain which hurts too much for me to continue. i’m crawling here…oh, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s some more jerks spitting in my eyes, so i can’t even see clearly right now. really, what the fuck is going on?!

you say, hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. it’ll get better with time, when you least expect it. when you stop chasing after it, love will find you. excuse my french, but go fuck yourself!!! from age 16-26, i didn’t actively look for love, nobody ever found me…instead, i felt like the most unattractive woman in all the world. from age 26-34, i’ve looked for love actively on and off, i thought i finally found it with andy, but i was wrong. now, i don’t know what’s up or down anymore? believe me, i may not be a supermodel, but i know that i’m fucking amazing catch…maybe just too fucking amazing for the emotionally-stunted men in the bay area (i really don’t want to generalize a whole group by a few i’ve dated, but really, san francisco, is this the best you have to offer?!)…wtf!?

cum on your face…working hazard or not?!

ok, so obviously, i’m not getting any sex lately let alone goooooood fucking monkey love. the well is dry…so i begin to hallucinate. i had the funkiest dream last night…wait for it.

i met this guy, i can’t even describe what he looks like, but at this point, it was a guy who had a heartbeat and was interested in me, so let’s proceed. he was some kind of door-to-door salesman of this energy pill/drink that would help you live longer. he starts to tell me how people listen to his shpeel for a good hour and try samples, but never buy a thing. i start to feel sorry for him and ask him to “cum” in…one thing leads to another, and he’s in my bed and we start making out like crazy. side note: can i tell you how much i miss amazing kissing?! omg, what i would do to make out with someone yummy for an hour?!!!… i digress. he starts to take off his pants, and i tell him that i want to just kiss and he begs me to touch his cock. i tell him again i really just want to wait and get to know him better before going further. his pants are down, he guides my hand down his shorts and before i can pull away or even feel his cock let alone see it, i get cum on my face and in my hair. don’t ask me how this actually happened cuz it’s a dream for christ’s sakes, who knows what weird shit happens in my brain…tee hee. he busts out laughing and thinks his spunk don’t stink. :p i’m trying to take the cum off my face and hair, but i’ve been  slimed like ghostbusters. it wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t fun, especially cuz i had asked the guy to wait…obviously, he couldn’t.

anyways, my question for the day??? is cum really good for your face? i heard ages ago that something in sperm helps in regards to skin care? probably just a rumor spread by men who want to blow their load on some desperate women. but then i did see on the show “nip / tuck” that they used sperm from a fertility clinic as a secret ingredient in a skin cream, so this rumor must have gotten around somehow. believe me, i like sucking on an especially juicy cock and watching him ejaculate all over my boobs, but in my face and hair (which has happened on accident) feels sorta like getting egg on your face, not my thing.

side note: to the guy who commented on my last blog entry, “egad!…” who wrote, “life happens, and sometimes you get some on your shoe,” i like that one, but in my case, “sometimes you get some on your face!”

egads! is it me or is it them???

ok, so max closed my profile. his reason = other (which means he just didn’t feel it as i did from my pic and profile). i’m crushed, but his loss! ;p

i get another 7 matches, filter through them, the one guy i find interesting closes my profile immediately. his reason = i’m pursuing another relationship. i am bored. so i try to be a little more active and send 5 e-harmony multiple choice questions to john before he decides to close my profile. no reply yet. this feels like taking a mirror and conducting brain surgery on oneself—kinda tedious and torturous and probably disastrous, esp. cuz i flunked out of o. chem years ago. the kicker—i paid for this. does that mean i’m a masochist??? or a sadist???

anyhoot, so last night i go to a photography meetup. it was bit awkward cuz i was the first on there—even when i’m running late, i’m still early—my dumb luck! my roommate and therapist had given me an assignment that i’m supposed to talk to 3 new people, preferably single men and just chat with them. as great as i am on a date, i’ve got NO game at all when i meet random men in my everyday life if you are even remotely attractive to me. i just turn into a blubbering idiot.

so since most of the men in this meetup group are old, not attractive and sorta awkward, i’m talking to men and women left and right. then this guy who i used to work with 5 years ago showed up, and my heart sorta leaps forward (back story- this was one of the it guys i had developed a crush on back in the day, thinking he was all cute and nerdy but later when i asked him out, it turned out to be a total playboy schmoozer) . well, so i walk up to him and we cordially greet each other. mind you, this is the first time he and i are actually talking to each other. we talk for a good 15 minutes, and he is sorta downer, complaining about work people, his dad, real estate market, money, and several ex-girlfriends (emphasis on the EX-). he’s still physically cute to me, but emotionally and intellectually and even spiritually, i’m still unsure. then we mingle with some more people separately.

as i’m about to head out, i look for him to say, “good-bye.” he was in an intense talk with someone, so i start to write a quick note that says it was fun seeing him again and maybe we can grab a bite. i included my number, but before i could give it to him and slip away, he tells the  other guy that he needs to leave with me, a friend. we head out, and he asks if we can sit cuz he feels a little woozy from standing up all day. we sit and talk for another 30 minutes. he tells me a little more about him growing up abroad and in the states and more ex-girlfriends. when i get a word in edge-wise, he begins to yawn, so i suggest that i let him go home. he suggests getting coffee or lunch sometime. i hand him the note. he says he’ll text me…yeah, right, i’m sure he’s looking for his next ex-girlfriend.

so into the empty night i rode off on my bike, feeling a bit sad, but trying really hard to just accept whatever life/love/lust throws at me, and remain true to myself through it all. at the end of the day, the only person who can truly love me is me, as cliche as that is.

e-harmony experiment…

ok, so i’ve been doing online dating for about 6 years now (match, okcupid, plentyoffish, and of course, my good ‘o craigslist), and obviously, i haven’t met the “one.” so my sisters, friends, the million and one commercials about 29 points of compatibility, and even my therapist have suggested i try e-harmony. the people in the commercials look a little old and maybe too “normal”-looking, so i cringe. i didn’t like that the service didn’t have a gay section—not that i’m gay, but i believe in equality. i heard they fixed that now.

so last night, i sat up for a good 2 hours, taking the personality test and filling out my profile which was sorta tedious, but then i thought, if there’s a guy out there who actually takes the time to fill all of this out maybe, just maybe might be patient and also serious about meeting someone special. not that i won’t meet losers, but i’ll meet losers who actually can sit and form thoughtful answers…ok, yes, i’m a bit cynical about online dating in general. i feel like since it’s cyberspace, guys seem to have thrown out all common courtesy and respect out the window. for me, even if i haven’t met you in person, i’ll still treat you with kindness and courtesy, that’s just me.

so right after i fill out the test, 7 new matches hit my inbox. i filter through them, and am extra tickled by max–cute, creative, sweet. i don’t want to make the first move cuz i’d like to be pursued for once. this morning, there was 7 new matches. i liked john-cute, creative, sweet…see the pattern here—my heart hearts cute, creative and sweet. ;p there were a few others who seemed ok, so i left their profiles still opened.

i did close 8 of them cuz they didn’t give my heart the zing. i’m not only into looks, but if i don’t feel like kissing you, it’s most likely not going to work out. i’ve learned this before several times—i’m not going to apologize for knowing what my heart, mind, and loins want.

so i’m going to see if the men on e-harmony, matched by 29 personality thingamabobs, turn this cynic into a believer. ;p ahh, but rest assured, it doesn’t mean my blogs will be dull and only about love. there’ll be plenty of crazy sexual adventures i’m sure…and eeek! misadventures in dating, too. it wouldn’t be me, if everything worked out like a fairytale! that’s all right cuz this blog wouldn’t be half as entertaining if it did! ;p

love in the time of swine flu…

ok, so my last date offered to serve me dinner and proceeded to hand me a bag of frozen veggies from the prehistoric era, showed me where the pan was and left me in his filthy kitchen to fend for myself. i scratched my head and thought, “what the f*ck?!”

really, is this the state of dating in the bay area? i don’t need to be pampered with 24-7 bon bons or massages and candlelit dinners on the beaches of bora bora, but what happened to common courtesy, a little effort on the “wooing” phase of love? maybe it only happens in films, and i’m just being naive, but hey, someone real did have to write the screenplay, yes?

sometimes i feel like i’m trying to find the least swine-like guy left in the pigpen, and falling short time and time again.

another one bites the dust…oh fuck!

i finally had a fun first date with a sweet guy…his name is adam. i was not sure if i felt love vibes, but i knew i enjoyed talking with him. he was amazing in the sense that he started 3 nonprofits and was working on making more great things in other places around the world. i was intimidated by him as well, but it made me rethink what i need to do in order to make my dreams come true. he was so open with his stories, emotions, and thoughts about the world, love and life. i was intrigued by him. he seemed to be a bit smitten with me, asking me on a second date even before our first date had begun.

well, we try to set up another date, but he goes silent for 3 days. i write to wish him well cuz i’m a bit confused. we find out that he didn’t get my last e-mail. we tentatively make a date for today, but no definite plans. he tells me he’ll try to call thursday, but he doesn’t. then i’m waiting 3 more days.

i go out with andy to brunch and a movie, and i wish in my heart that andy was still mine. i get home and there’s this e-mail from adam telling me that he had an old friend visiting and wondered if i still wanted to get together, and i’m thinking to myself, i don’t want to be that girl—that girl who is waiting by the phone. i don’t know why it’s so hard to just text a quick note or e-mail to just let me know or just confirm a time and location to meet? why was it so hard for him to just make a date with me and show up?

i wrote a note to let him know that i didn’t think we were on the same page and that i wished him all the best. i sorta think i should have just saved myself the extra hope wasted yet again. i’m really tired of putting my heart out there…i know that’s the only way to find love, but i just don’t understand why it has to be so difficult for me.

i think another thing that bothered me a little was that  a friend of mine who is 26 wrote a personal ad that adam answered. he’s 39. it made me feel like he didn’t really care about who he was looking for, just that she was asian. i’m not sure why that bothered me, but i don’t i wanted to be with someone who was trying to date a girl 13 years younger than himself. i love my friend, but a 26 year old is very different from a 34 year old. i just felt disappointed in my original feelings about adam. ;(

i won’t give up on dating, but it seems the more i do it, the more lost i feel. ;(

the love gods fucking hate me…

the love gods are sitting up in their puffy clouds, laughing at me and making bets with each other on who can fuck me up most royally in the romantic department.

after months of almost dates, i finally get in contact with this guy who likes to make films, does triathlons, and runs a nonprofit on the side…he’s around my age and lives somewhere in my neighborhood, and i am so pleased as pie. i reply back after his e-mail showing immense interest in getting to know me…..complete silence. what the fuck is going on??!!!

then flaky bryan reappeared in my life via e-mail. one thing led to another, he and i decide we’ll hang out on sunday. he hints at how much fun it’d be to fuck. i tell him that’s not what’s going to happen—we’re meeting up to hang out as friends. sunday rolls around, and he doesn’t call. no big surprise there! now i had anticipated this wtf, so it didn’t come out of the blue.

enter james…a guy i happen to meet via okcupid. he seems really sweet, funny, smart and easy on the eyes. he makes short films and animation. he finds me “amazingly hot” & “gorgeous” (his words, i concur), so we’re on the same page. i’m getting excited. we exchange a bunch of e-mails (sorta IMing), but then i asked if he wanted to meet up the next day…silence. i decide maybe he got tired and had to go to bed.

in the meantime, i just google his full name cuz i was curious to find out if he had animations or illustrations up online somewhere. instead, i find a site called niftyguy, and find 4 reviews on him or someone who has his exact name and lives in the same city, state. the reviews are really horrible. basically, they  say he appears to be a nice guy, but he was living with his girlfriend of 7-9 years and just fucking random girls on the side. my stomach drops below my knees. i can hardly breathe. i couldn’t believe it was the same sweet, funny guy i had been having such a fun conversation with about filmmaking and robotech and how much we’d love to meet and hang out and make art together.

so i force myself to go to sleep. this morning, he writes to ask if we could meet tomorrow. i don’t know what to say. do i act like i didn’t check out his name? do i ask him if it’s true? do i meet him and then see face to face if he could be such an asshole? i’m so confused. i feel like throwing up again. so i actually come clean and tell him what i did and sorta ask if it is really him. i also tell him that i really enjoyed our conversation and was looking forward to meeting him, but now i guess that wasn’t going to happen….complete silence.

just now, i see that he’s logged onto okcupid, trolling for new unsuspecting girls, i’m sure. i don’t know what i expected. i guess maybe i wanted him to just admit that he is an asshole, if he is or deny it? but who am i? his keeper?

my sister and roommate believe that i was lucky to have found out now before i totally fell for him, but i say the love gods fucking hate me cuz why did they tease me with him in the first place?!!!

why did they send someone who seemed so perfect and then turn around to make him such a complete asshole?!!!  what the fuck?!  what have i done to those love gods that they have to make my love life so fucking moronic?!

most hurtful of all, why did they send me my loveable andy, let me taste a sip of pure happiness, and then change his feelings for me suddenly and so cruelly? he’s still one of my best friends. he still feels like home to me. he still holds a place in my heart. if things worked out between him and me, i wouldn’t have to shuffle through all these fucking assholes left in the rubbish bin? i could actually be happy in love and fucking like rabbits with someone wonderful!!!

love gods, i have only one thing to say to you: fuck you all!!!

‘objectum sexual’ disorder…

the other night, feeling a bit blue about being so unlucky in love, i happened to catch a documentary on bbc america reveals on ‘objectum sexual’ disorder, “i married the eiffel tower.” there were 3 women on the show that were in love and lust over inanimate objects, such as the golden gate bridge, berlin wall, fences, an organ in a church (and i’m not talking about any particular member of a priest), and a carnival ride. i was watching a bit dumbstruck by how these women spoke of their intense love for these objects, if you closed your eyes and inserted a person’s name in place of these objects, you would swear that they were in love and making love to human beings.

at first, it made me so sad that these women would never feel the warmth of your lover’s kiss on your eyelids, a tender embrace, the musky smell of your lover’s skin while his cock is pumping your tight, wet pussy, and the taste of his cum in your mouth…then again, i don’t have these things in my life right now, and i certainly can’t force a guy to be with me right now. and here are these women, as “strange” and “sad” as it seems, but they actually find ways to be with their objects of affection, so who’s happier in their love lives?

the jury is still out…

btw, i sorta wish i suffered from this disorder? lately, i’ve been intensely training for my first triathlon, so my road bike olly and i have been getting quite close and personal…my crotch burns! ;p

why are bikeshop boys so hot?!!!

i’m training for my first triathlon, so i’ve been checking out bikes for the past few months. i had a hybrid bike i bought 3 years ago from the dreamiest guy in all the world, jim from american cyclery. so in the last 3 years, i’ve taken my bike in for several repairs and got to make googly eyes at cute jim–hot jim with shoulder-length hair and a sweet smile. one day, i ran home, squealing like a school girl cuz he rode my bike a bit to check out the chain. i rode my bike home and told my roommate and sister, “my butt touched jim’s butt…sorta.” ;p

then i was on the search for a road bike a few months ago. first of all, one of my coaches who has done several triathlons turns out to be a hottie mctottie with a cute, tight ass, fun to look at when you’re huffing and puffing up a hill.

first, i meet the guy at american cyclery II, alan, cute and sweet and nerdy. i’m totally joking with him about my inexperience with road bikes. he’s very patient and knowledgeable.

the next guy i meet is nate at mike’s bike, a cutie patootie. he shows me a few bikes. we joke around with each other, and i’m a smitten kitten. he lets me testdrive a super nice bike that is way out of my budget. i return from the smooth ride and tell him, “i officially hate you now.” he smiles. he’s so cute that i’d buy the whole store of bikes if i could. ;p

final bikeshop, sports basement, i meet laidback ryan who shows me the jamis quest i eventually end up buying a week later. he’s sweet as heck, and i’m crushing all over again…tee hee.

last friday, my hybrid bike betty gets a flat tire as i’m heading into work. i’m a bit distraught when another cute biker, dayton (used to work for mike’s bikes) asks if i need some help. when i tell him that i don’t have a spare tube, he offers his spare. he changes the flat for me, and i turn into goo. if this were a film, we’ll be riding bikes down the aisle in a year’s time. he doesn’t take any money—i offer to take him out for coffee. he smiles.

whether i ever see him again or not, dayton represents to me that i’m actually capable of meeting sweet guys naturally in san francisco, when i least expect it. he gives me a genuine “hope,” knowing that my heart can still skip a beat, no matter how much san francisco may beat me down in the matters of the heart…i’ll keep on biking.