i am not a fucking pedophile!!!

did you ever read “lolita”?

you know how humbert humbert is obsessed with a young girl because he lost his childhood sweetheart when he was a young man??? yes, the man is sick in the head to be molesting a young girl, but i don’t know about you, nabokov manages to lyrically maneuver your heart as a reader to emphasize with this character.

lately, i’m starting to understand the appeal of youth (not underage or even 21-year-old, mind you!!!). i got my first kiss at 26 with a guy who was a year younger than me. up to that point in my life, i had only crushes up the wazoo for many years, but never was allowed or able to date before then, so i am eternally stuck in the wanting of someone young at least physically.

i myself am 34, but being asian and also taking good care of myself, i look about 28 with a libido of a 18-year-old boy. so while i want to date men around my age for maturity levels and readiness to commit to a long-term relationship, i am physically attracted to men in their mid- to late 20s, a youthful face and body.

i’m physically attracted to guys whose face still has a boyish charm. if you look deeply into their faces, you can almost imagine what they looked like when they were younger. maybe it’s my womb trying to figure out if we’d have cute babies together, i have not a clue, but i like when a man ages well. i mean i look at brad pitt and for a man in his mid 40’s, he is HOT, HOT, HOT. he can pass off as someone in his late 30’s. i need a guy who ages well with a lot of energy for life and fucking amazing sex. i can’t be with someone who needs viagra to get it up or someone who is ready to wear mr. roger sweaters and call it a day on life’s many adventures. i need a guy with a younger face, so i can feel like i myself am not ready to retire from life let alone dating.

i feel like i unfortunately started very late in the game of dating, and i’m being penalized for having a father who had me benched for far longer than i really should have been, and now the other kids don’t want to play with the strange, home-schooled weirdo on the field. and yet, i still have a lot of skills and energy and can probably kick some royal ass out there on the field…if someone would just pick me!?.

i know what my heartstrings pop for, i know what my pussy juices up for, i know what my mind yearns for, someone around my age who has the wisdom and romantic sensibility of an older gentleman with the fortunate genetics that has kept him younger-looking and running like a brand-new engine for a very long, long, long time.

makes me wish i could settle for an older guy for the companionship and find a few younger guys for the hot, mouth-watering sex?! ugh, if only my pussy wasn’t so connected to my heart and mind, life would be OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh so fine! i accept the fact that someday i will be older and my partner will reflect that age, but right now, i feel like i’m still really young age-wise, but even younger when it comes to dating, so i still deserve to have a fairytale of meeting a young prince and not having to settle for an old king…just yet.

i kissed a girl…and i liked it…

sometimes i wish i were a lesbian cuz it would make my life so much easier!!! i just feel so much more at ease with the ladies because i understand their hearts, and they’re so soft and curvy and sensual by nature. i can decipher their emotions and their unsaid words intuitively, but alas, i love the goddamn cock way too much.

like the way i’m not attracted to asian men, i’m not attracted sexually to women. i’ve kissed my sister once in a club cuz she was trying to get a guy to stop bothering her (didn’t quite work, it only turned him on more). she had very soft, succulent lips (her boyfriend is hella lucky to be kissing that hottie sister of mine). then a few years ago, i was fundraising for a charity, dressed up as wonder woman and offering (hershey’s) kisses for donations during the gay pride parade, so i kissed two lesbians.

the first one was a butch lesbian who at first said, “girl, you’re cute, but i’m not sure if i want to be kissing a stranger.” i held out a silver-wrapped chocolate kiss and replied, “it’s not real kisses.” she threw back her head and laughed, “oh, hell, you’re too cute. now i have to kiss you.” she grabbed me and laid a big smooch on my lips. i smiled sheepishly and thanked her for her donation.

the second one was a lipstick lesbian who asked if she could get a picture of herself kissing wonder woman. i said, “ok.” she put her soft lips on mine and as we posed for the kiss, she gently slipped her tongue into my mouth and before i knew it, i forgot where i was and started to kiss and suck her lips and tongue as if i were kissing a really hot guy, but her lips felt softer and more delicate, so it sorta felt like i was kissing myself. it was extra yummy, extra steamy! i was a little dizzy afterwards.

so i think i can definitely make out with a girl for hours, kiss her neck, her ears, suck on her fingers, lick her tits and all around her breasts, massaging them and nibbling ever so gently. i can lightly massage and touch the rest of her body, even softly carressing her inner thighs, very close to her pussy, but for the life of me, i won’t and can’t even imagine going down on a woman or rubbing our clits together or finger fucking her or trying a strap-on. i’m just NOT into the pussy…i want a hard, juicy cock of a guy up my cunt, fucking me like nobody’s business. i want the sharp angles and muscles and musk of a man. i want to suck on his cock and swallow his white, milky cum. i want to ride his cock as if i’m taming a bull at a rodeo.  i want a man’s hands and mouth playing with my clit and cunt and making me cuss like a mother fucker over and over again. i want cock and the soft, yummy kisses of a cunt just won’t do.

ALAS, i have plenty of attractive, lovely galpals who i’d totally go lesbo for if i could, but still no yummy, juicy cock attached to a sensitive, artsy, sweet, smart, funny guy to call my own. makes this girl wish she could go lesbo…or sometimes i wish i were a gay man, but that’s a whole other blog entry altogether. :p

i’m just not attracted to asian men…sorry.

yesterday, i put a pretty funny personal ad on craigslist. i got a lot of responses, some kinda sweet, some lame, and some just not the types i am attracted to. so there’s this one guy who replies and seems sweet enough, so i write back along with a photo of me…mind you, on the ad, i didn’t put anywhere on there that i was a saf (single asian female) because i was trying to avoid guys with asian fetishes. so i get no reply until this morning.

his reply is as follows:

well, i’m a racist and possibly an asshole. but you deserve a reply of some sort. let me explain a bit:  i spent a year in korea. i ended up with a broken heart. i know you are most likely american born chinese, but i have stupid prejuduces. and i’m just not into asian girls. my bad. my problem. my stupidity. but i think you deserve an answer. would you have preferred to not get any reply? please let me know. like i said, i might be an asshole but i’d like to believe i’m not insensitive. maybe writing this proves i’m both. i don’t even know.

this was my reply:

don’t beat yourself up. we’re all racist to a certain degree. it all depends on our past experiences, media, socialization, and our own fears/insecurities. i’m actually korean born, but raised in america since i was 3, so i’m not your typical asian girl either, but i totally get that we probably look all alike to most (believe me, sometimes i can’t tell the difference…tee hee). ;p unfortunately, one korean bitch can leave a bad taste for all of us.

next time, you probably just want to tell the girl that she’s not what you’re looking for, instead of going into a self-loathing, remorseful reply. it’s really unnecessary cuz we all have our preferences, too. to be perfectly honest, i wasn’t attracted to your photo either, but you seemed sweet and fun to know. i was trying to go against what i’m normally attracted to, to see if i’d have better luck at finding someone cool.

so don’t feel bad at all. thanks for writing back to let me know. that’s far better than 99% of the guys out there.

and you’re NOT an insensitive asshole…you’re just human.

so it got me thinking, am i racist because i don’t date asian men? i’m just NOT attracted to asian men and really hate the fact that some people expect certain races to date each other just because they are a particular race. i’m sorry if you’re an asian man reading this, you are probably a great guy, but i’m just NOT sexually attracted to you. it might be my issues with my tyrannical father or the fact i was raised in america where most leading men in films, books, and what not were gorgeous white men who made your mouth water or the guys i was surrounded with at the time. down in east la, i was surrounded by a lot of hispanic men, so i was attracted to the cutest hispanic guys at school, steven and louis. then in college and grad school, mostly intelligent, nerdy, artsy white guys, so big crushes there. my first boyfriend was albanian, fair in skin, but features were very middle eastern. in my history of dating men, i did fuck one asian (a filipino friend of mine), but he was more spanish than typical asian to me. i know indians are asian, too, but i’d fuck ben kingsley in a heartbeat–that man is delicious!

is it my preference that i am attracted to tall, skinny, white guys who have boyish charms??? is it racism that i find most asian men either unattractive or too feminine (the other day, i mistook a chinese woman as a chinese man until she started talking…my bad)??? or is it an even deeper, self-loathing because i myself do not relate to the asian culture very well, so if i actually dated someone korean, i’d feel inadequate in my own culture or a slight disdain for it? if you asked me who i was, i’d tell you my name, and i’d say that i’m a female, sexy-cute, intelligent, funny and fun writer/dreamer/filmmaker. the only times i ever identify myself as korean or asian is when i have to fill out official forms or surveys or someone specifically asks me what is my race? i would prefer to say that i’m a human being, a citizen of the world. please don’t judge me by the color of my skin or shape of my eyes or my race, especially because i am the least korean/asian person you will ever meet in this world, and yet, aren’t i judging my race as well???

all i know is my heart wants what it wants, and it swoons for james mcavoy, ewan mcgregor, ben gibbard, jack black, and steve buscemi…go figure?!

prostitutes – trick or treat???

well, it’s halloween…this year’s i’m dressed up as daphne from scooby doo for a work group costume. my workplace crush is shaggy-astic. trick or treat!!!

speaking of tricks, so a friend of mine and i were discussing whether or not prostitution should be legalized or not. me being a girl and him being a boy, our opinions were quite surprising!!!

he said no because it would spread diseases, discourage education, and cause damage to families’ lives.

for me, if prostitution was legalized, then like any other job, the entire profession would be better regulated and encourage their workers to get tested and practice safer play. that doesn’t discourage education, believe me, i don’t think if someone wants to become a doctor or teacher or astronaut, that they’d choose to be a prost*tute instead because they make better money playing dress up and fucking strangers. it takes a certain type of person to become a prostitute, someone down on their luck who have nothing else in their talent/smarts treasure box to choose than that particular line of career. trust me, i’m not trying to put them down, but i think 95% of prostitutes who choose this line of work have nothing else going for them. maybe if it was legalized, they could get proper counseling and would be at less risk of getting into drugs or killed by their pimps. damage to families’ lives are a crock cuz if the man is going to cheat on his wife, he’s going to cheat on his wife, whether or not prostitution is legalized or not.

i didn’t think this way all my life. i always thought prostitution and pornography and stripclubs were all degrading women and ruining our society in general, but as i got older, i realized how when you make something illegal, you bring about more criminal activity around it. i believe if the prostitute is of age, then there isn’t a crime happening. case in point, if you look at amsterdam where prostitution and marijuana are both legal, it is probably one of the safest places in the world to live in. so i say make it legal and start educating the girls and give them health care and get them out of the business through proper counseling and resources. (now before you jump down my throat, i’m NOT saying legalize all drugs or murder or rape or pedophilia—there are definitely acts that are clearly criminal and should be illegal!!!)

prostitution is the oldest profession in the history of the world—it’s never going to go away, so why not make it safer for everyone involved. i think sometimes for people who are unlucky in love, it might be the only way for them to get human contact. i don’t think i’d ever do it because it’d probably make me feel worse about myself, but sometimes i think about hiring a guy for sex, so i don’t have to deal with being alone and horny at times. as pathetic as that sounds, sometimes that’s how i feel these days.

if you think about it, the very acting of modern dating is legalized prostitution in a twisted way. the guy pays for dinner (not really in my case) and the girl might end up fucking him at the end of the evening, so who cares if we legalize it? yes, shit happens, but it’s going to happen more when you illegalize something. it just keeps things underground which means children being sold into sex slavery and illegal aliens being trafficked into that shit! legalize it and it gets a bit more regulated and prostitutes have more legal rights to sue and make a decent living and protect themselves, instead of worrying that they themselves will get punished if they seek help from the police.

that’s just my two cents! what do you think?

and an extra spooky halloween to you all!!! may you get as many sexy tricks as yummy treats!!!

hell no to unhappy marriages…

maybe it’s because my parents were ill-matched, but i didn’t really grow up with a great example of what a marriage should look like in reality. i say reality because i also grew up with an idealized version of what a marriage should look like from 30 minute sitcoms that painted the rosiest of rosy couples and families making everything work out through talking and understanding and a bowl of ice cream or kiss at the end with a big chuckle from the pre-recorded laugh track. i got the dashing prince coming to save the damsel in distress complex from fairytales and other books i read as a child. i used to believe that my friends all had the perfect parents while i got stuck with the best mom in the world who had the worst luck in the world to have married my defective dad.

then the fantasies all got stomped out by too many realities lately, my sister’s divorce, various married friends telling me that marriage is difficult and that i shouldn’t ache for it, and still other married friends struggling with less than fun relationships (a couple who have grown apart through the years or rather were never really meant for each other, but settled for each other at the time and are now stuck). even the films and books have taken the reality’s side and perhaps at times gone to the other extremes. i’ve noticed that marriages are portrayed as what’s “boring” and singlehood as what’s the “fantasies” in sitcoms, free to have fun and screw whoever you please (ummm, that’s NOT my reality of being single).

so i definitely don’t want the marriage anymore. the chances of meeting the “one” are so slim in this lifetime, that i think most of us end up “settling” with the one who bugs us the least out of the ones who we’ve met thusfar. i really believe that i’ve met the “one,” but alas, he’s already married. my dumb luck! you may tell me, “well, the fact that he’s already married should prove that he wasn’t the “one” for me.” you may also say, “there’s more than one person who matches you and even whichever one you are lucky enough to meet in this lifetime will turn out to disappoint you because he’s only human.” and yes, yes, to both those claims, but i think if you’re lucky, you will meet one person in this lifetime who just gets you instantly inside and out and even when things get rough, he will understand that this is part of living and that he loves you anyway and is willing to work through it with you. but you have to be hella lucky to meet another person in this lifetime who is even better than the first, and alas, i have never been that “lucky” in love ever. so i’m betting on finding someone who sorta fits me and maybe we can learn to grow with each other and eventually we’ll have a baby together, but no marriage for me…i don’t want to get stuck in an unhappy marriage.

i think chris rock makes this really funny point, (i’m paraphrasing here and keep in mind i’ve got a terrible memory) “you know when your wife is looking at you all strange and throwing daggers with her eyes at you, she’s thinking to herself that you weren’t her first choice.” this is probably true for a lot of couples out there.

disclaimer: my blogs are only my opinions and thoughts. i don’t want you to think that i’m making light of your current relationships or what not. if you’re one of the lucky ones to have found your soulmate, you hold on tight and love that person with all your heart. these are just my experiences i hope you can laugh about and maybe relate to, but i don’t claim to be an expert on anything but my own heart.

no popsicle babies for me…

ok, so when i was 10, i thought i’d be married by 20 with 3 children and a medical career by 30.

when i was 20, i thought i’d be married by 25 with 3 children and a writing career by 35.

now that i’m 34, i’ve been thinking about maybe a baby before i’m 40 and the husband and writing career are just nice accessories to my master plan.

i once told my mom that i’d go to some sperm bank and have a baby on my own. she looked at me in shock and told me that i shouldn’t talk like that and a baby needs to have a mom and dad. i wanted to tell her there’s a bunch of single parents out there and they’re doing amazing jobs of raising their children on their own. some of the nicest, sweetest people i’ve met were raised by a loving mom. i totally agree with my mom that it’d be easier to raise a child with two loving parents, but then again, i look at my parents, and i have to lean towards maybe it’s better to have one loving parent than one loving mom plus a very abusive, harsh dad.

so a dear friend of mine recently told me that he’d love to give me a baby, if it came down to it. he said he knew i’d make such a wonderful mom and it would be a shame that i wasn’t able to have a baby of my own, just cuz the men sucked in sf. i don’t know if it will really happen, but he gave me this peace of mind. it’s like now i can date without the worry about having to find my future partner or the father of my beautiful child. it’s like the pressure of having a baby of my own has been lifted, and i can sorta date whoever i like because no matter what happens, i’m still going to have my dream, a sweet, funny, intelligent baby of my very own (although my friend won’t be in the baby’s life since he lives very far from me, my child will still meet him someday and know that s/he was made from the purest love).

so now i’m in the process of trying to figure out how to make myself financially stable and physically fit and ready to have a baby sometime in the next 5 years. it’s strange that this is what my life has come to, but i realized that nothing in my life has really turned out as planned, so i’m throwing all those old, misshapened blueprints out the window and just doing the things that feel natural and good to me. …ok, ok, ok, so my friend is pretty hot, so fucking his brains out to make this baby of mine is a major perk to this deal and believe me, it’s going to feel very natural and very goooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOd to me. ;9

my 4-year-old niece has more game…

omg! my older sister told me about how she accidentally walked in on my nephew jacking off. he’s 12. she told me that he gets text messages all through the night and is a bit of a player with the girls.

then i have a 4-year-old niece who’s got more game in the nail of her pinkie than i have in my whole life put together. no matter where we go, several boys surround her in the playground. she told me that when she’s 10, she’s going to have 10 boyfriends and find them at a bar. of course, i tried to convince her that 1 boyfriend would do and maybe she could find one in school, library or bookstore to be sure that he can read.

i can’t seem to even get a simple smile from guys on the muni, concerts, libraries, museums, and grocery stores. believe me, i’ve got an amazing, radiant smile. wtf?!

i ask myself, “why was i born with such yucky luck?!” i keep thinking that someday i’m going to wake up, and i’m going to be “that girl” whom all the world falls in love with. ugh! i wish that day would hurry up!

i can’t stop touching myself…

omg! i’ve been fantasizing lately about a friend of mine night and day. i walk around with a dripping wet pussy and an engorged clit all day long, which may sound really amazing to some of you, but it’s sorta distracting to say the least because i actually have to work and function beyond my bed.

so every night before i sleep, i lie in bed, rubbing on my clit or my cunt until i explode and can actually fall asleep with my fingers still resting inside my pussy. then i wake up feeling very aroused and having to massage out another orgasm before i can start my day.

you ask, “what’s my worry?” i’m just afraid that the next guy who happens to look my way is going to get pummelled. i might end up breaking his cock. i just feel sorry for that guy, so i’m trying very hard to get my horniness in check.

even as i write, i’m sitting here at work in my cubicle, my panties well-lubricated, pussy ready to be FUCKED now! lordy, lordy, please help me!!!

maybe, just maybe, i’m ready to date…

so it’s been about 2 months, and i’m nowhere near winning my workplace crush’s heart, so i feel pretty lame.

i think i’m going to try to date again, get out there and stick my toe into the swimming pool of dating. i can’t sit around, waiting for my crush to get a clue. i’ve given him about a million and one already.

i sometimes wish i was so drop dead gorgeous that men would be tripping over themselves to be with me. alas, i’m just cute, so no such luck.

i think i might be, maybe almost ready to get out there again…wish me luck!!!

ben gibbard, break my heart!!!

yesterday, i was feeling so violently ill. it could have been that i ran 7 miles when i hadn’t really been running lately or that there was a certain couple whom i don’t really care for who got married (i don’t really mind the girl, but about 3 years ago, the guy whom i barely had met accused me of touching his dick at a danceclub…for the record, i don’t go around touching guy’s dicks at danceclubs unless i’m dating you, i don’t go after another friend’s date, i wasn’t drunk like the two of them, and i don’t go for ASIAN men!). since the alleged incident, i’ve been very careful NOT to touch the guy in any way. i actually barely even talk or even acknowledge him when he happens to be at a party i am at. oh, the really crazy part is that he had the nerves to try to befriend me on facebook? IGNORE!

anyways, so i was feeling a bit depressed and sick, wondering to myself why the fuck is it so difficult for me to find someone who i click with and want to date? ugh! ugh! ugh!

then today, a friend asked if i heard the bad news. i asked him, “what?” he backed away a little, “ummm, ben got married to zooey.” i literally felt the floor drop out from beneath my feet. ugh! i knew something was up…or rather down. i think lately, i’ve been feeling like i missed out in making it big and meeting the artists/musicians whom i admire in the world right now. not that ben would have married me instead of that adorable zooey deschanel, but at least, if i had gotten myself out there while i was much younger, i might have been in that circle of friends and had a chance. ugh!

so i’m really struggling right now to believe in myself and my art/writing and get myself out there into the world i want to be a part of because ultimately, i know i’m supposed to be with an amazingly soulful artist. if it’s NOT ben gibbard, i know he’s out there, creating beauty in the world through his art.

wtf, now i’ve heard everything…

OMG, what the FUCK is going on!!??!! i just read an article about a not-so-attractive 107-year-old malaysian woman who is contemplating on husband #23.

and here i am— a pretty attractive 34-year-old woman who is wondering if i will ever find a decent guy to date and eventually get into a long-term, healthy relationship with let alone get married to husband #1.

ummm, i’m literally, utterly speechless! i do have to give her props! she’s got more “game” in one of her wrinkles than i have had my whole life put together. ok, so her current 30-something husband #22 is in rehab, but still come on now, that woman has some balls the size of jupiter, no?

i’m completely dumbstruck!

i’m NOT looking for any friends here…

someone commented on several of my entries yesterday, asking me to be friends with him. i think if he had written once, i might have replied to him directly, but he sent 4 requests and another one this morning. sorry, buddy, but i’m NOT looking for friends on this site.

someone else asked why i didn’t have any pictures of myself on this blog. i’m here to voice my thoughts into the ether and pass on some funny stories or little nuggets of insight from my quirky dating life. i’m not here trying to hook up or have people come up to me to say they know i enjoy giving blowjobs and sometimes i female ejaculate…umm, yeah, no thanks.

i understand that my blog is explicit and of adult nature,  so i’m inviting all sorts of people into my world (cool chicks like myself, average joe schmoes, nice guys i probably would be friends with if we had met in my everyday life to twisted perverts who probably get off plenty —not judging anyone here, just speaking my truths). please, please, please do continue reading, laughing, relating, jacking off, and commenting, but please understand and respect my stance when i say, “nothing against you (i’m sure you’re a really nice person), but i’m NOT looking for any friends here.”

i deserve to be loved…

i was doing sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good for the past few weeks (no dating, just innocent crushing) and focusing on my photography, but saturday night, i met up with a good friend of mine who i hadn’t seen for about 2 months. i had such a great time with her, but as she was about to leave, she was waiting for a call or text from this guy she’s been seeing. he is trying to figure out his life. instead of calling her, he cancels last minute because he’s depressed. i see all the red flags for her to let go of this guy cuz he can’t give her the love she wants right now. so i gave her a hug and told how much i don’t miss that kind of shit around dating. as i walked home that night, i thought to myself, “wow, is this it for me? i go about my life alone, meeting up with good girlfriends and maybe a crush here or there, but no real connection with someone i’d like to have a relationship with?”

i really hate the idea of bad dating. i mean the idea of fun, sweet dating is awesome, but i seem to keep picking the losers, so dating sounds sooooooooooooooooo painful for me. i checked up on this ex- from 3 years ago who hurt me so emotionally as well as psychologically, jay through his girlfriend’s yelp blogs, and it turns out he’s married now. i was filled with so much pain that i could hardly breathe. i hate him and i hate her and i hate them together. i don’t even want to be with him anymore, but a part of me had hoped that in the last 3 years, i would be in a better place and with someone special who really truly loved me that i wouldn’t feel like such a loser who seems to fall for socially awkward guys who are emotionally unavailable.

i still remember when jay and i started dating, he told me that the next serious relationship he wanted to be in was with the girl he was going to spend the rest of his life with, and then he looked at me and told me that he could see me in his future and felt so happy to be with me. i had waited my whole life to hear those words from a guy i really, really adored, so i fell in love. a part of me still feels like if his current wife didn’t keep nagging him on a daily basis and telling him to break up with me, he and i might have had a chance together, but how could i compete with this bitch who was his best friend from high school? they had shared a 16-year history together? we had known each other for about 3 months. in the beginning, i kept telling him that he should just see if he wanted to date her instead of bringing me into the mix of things, but he kept reassuring me that he could never date her or be with her because she had mental and personal problems that he didn’t want to deal with. he didn’t like her that way. he wished that her ex- would just come back and take her off his hands. he even told me that she looked weird to me. but then, he broke up with me and got with her within the next week, and ultimately, married her 3 years later. i really hate him for making me feel like i was the “one” for him and that he was the “one” for me, when in fact, he had someone else in mind.

anyways, after a day of sitting on my island, laughing at episodes of “it’s always sunny in philadelphia,” “arrested development,” and “30 rock,” i climbed out of bed at 2pm and took a shower and went for a walk with my roommate. it’s not even marriage that i want right now, i think i just want to be in a good, healthy relationship with a guy for the first time in my life, and i realize this is going to be a difficult task because of how horrible my relationship with my dad is, but i won’t give up on myself. i deserve to be loved.

emotional masturbation…

gosh, i’m sooooooooooooooo aching inside for a loving relationship, but since i really hate the dating process, i feel pretty stuck at the moment. so i’ve been focusing my energies into photography, one of my other passions in life. it feels good and fulfilling for my creative self.

according to my therapist, whether i deal with people or myself and my loves, at the end of the day, i’m just in a relationship with myself. subconsciously, i know that dating is difficult for me and very un-fun at the moment, so i’m nurturing myself through my art.

i can’t exactly fuck my art, but it still feeds my heart in many other ways. eventually, i hope that once i learn to feel better about myself in general, i’ll be able to feel better about myself within a relationship with a guy. i have struggled my whole life with the opinions of men on my self-esteem, especially those of my father who constantly criticized and berated me growing up. i need to know deep in my heart that i’m just fine being me.

so maybe i’m not getting any fucking amazing sex right now, but i’m getting plenty of self-love, which in the long run will help me find the right person to have that fucking amazing sex with someday…i hope.

operation win-heart-with-vegan-cupcakes…

ok, so this past weekend, i baked vegan, gluten-free chocolate cupcakes topped with a chocolate glaze and fresh organic raspberries for my crush at work. i had to make it for my whole company, so it didn’t look too obvious who i really baked them for…tee hee. anyhoot, i was feeling extra pretty and walked over to my crush and offered him my cupcakes.  he took one and smiled, saying, “wow, my fingers are already chocolate-y!” later when i asked if he liked them, he said that they were good and he hoped to get another one. i knew i didn’t bake a whole lot (my first time using this recipe—they did come out way delish, if i do say so myself), so i ran into the kitchen and stole him an extra one…tee hee.

then we went out for a walk to take pictures around my workplace with this crazy, fun camera i bought for 50 cents at a garage sale. it has 4 lenses and takes 4 sequential pics within a second. we chatted and took pictures, and i thought all was going swimmingly, but then he asked to stop near a shaded wall. i leaned against it near him, but he moved away. i felt major lame. i mean if he liked me, he would have been happy to stand near me, right?!

then i got the pics developed  the next day, so he really liked the camera, so he borrowed it to take some more pics. i was pretty excited over how excited he was, but yesterday, he told me that many of his pics didn’t come out, and well, the shutter broke, so no more pictures. i was bummed. he was bummed. and well, along with my camera, i felt a crack in my heart…something just didn’t feel right like our connection had snapped.

today, i tried to jokingly IM him some silly tunes for a silly friday. no nibble. silence mostly. ugh! i knew that crushes are for crushing, but i just thought maybe i could dwell in the smitten for a little longer. oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

i miss fucking…

sometimes i feel like all the rest of the world is fucking except me…

then i think to myself, i’m a fucking hottie mctottie, what the fuck?!

…and then i remember i have this highly sensitive heart!

oh fuck!

you can’t fake chemistry!!!

ok, sorry i’ve been out of touch. i’ve been trying to digest stuff. ok, so i was uber excited about going to the sfmoma with my workplace crush last thursday.

rewind back to the previous weekend, i by chance was browsing on okcupid the previous friday night and a guy im’d “hi.” he had sent a “hi” earlier in an e-mail, so i thought to myself, “he’s quite persistent, isn’t he?” so i thought to myself, it couldn’t hurt to say a simple “hi.” well, long story short, after im’ing a bit and then talking on the phone for 5 hours (well, it got a bit hot and heavy on his end…you know me and how much i love to titillate). we met on saturday, and well, unfortunately, i didn’t feel the zing! i was hoping and wishing i could feel more for him, but my heart just didn’t feel it. ugh! ugh! ugh! i thought by now, all i wanted was to meet a decent, sweet guy with a genuine heart, but it wasn’t enough…i wanted to feel more passion towards him, but i couldn’t force myself to feel something i didn’t. he let me talk about all sorts of things, so i felt connected to him as a good friend, but i just couldn’t feel more romantic towards him and believe me, it was killing me and trying to explain it to him didn’t help the situation any more. i even let him make out with and dry hump me, but it just didn’t feel right. i ended up crying actually. i hated that i wasn’t in better control of my heart.

you may say, well, why don’t i just date him and see if my feelings change or develop into something more, but i could see myself being unhappy ultimately because i went against my gut instincts. i’m trying to listen to what my heart, mind, and body want together, not just one or the other. i’ve waited too long to settle for someone who sorta fits what i want. chemistry is a huge part of what i want. i want the butterflies, at least initially.

i e-mailed him to ask if we could be friends. then as the week passed, i just realized that i was too conflicted inside. i don’t think anyone enjoys being the “bad guy” in whatever potential relationship, so i tried to explain that i didn’t want to end up hurting or leading him on via text last sunday. then we got to texting, and he suggested that we just fuck for the fun of it. i admit that i haven’t been fucked for a good year and a month, but then again, i really want to fuck someone i love, so as horny as i am, i don’t think i can fuck him just to do it. it’d fill me with too much regret and guilt and make things more complicated between us. i told him about this blog and even gave him the url which might be a mistake, but maybe if he reads this, he’ll understand where i’m coming from and how i’m feeling inside. (i’m really sorry. i wish my heart could feel more for you!!!)

so now back to  my workplace crush, all last week, i had major butterflies fluttering in my stomach. i sent him a link to a we are scientist’s “after hours”, he commented that it was too mainstream for him. ouch! next day came along and he im’d, “how bout that slinky?” i was scratching my head and wondering what he was talking about. i asked him, “what?” and he replied, “how about that SLINKY?” i looked around my desk and saw the slinky that sits on my desk. i picked it up and he had left a cute thumbdrive filled with 43 songs that he likes. i plugged it into my computer and really enjoyed the songs. i’m totally smitten like a kitten. ugh! ugh! ugh! i got it bad, i feel like a schoolgirl on the playground, and the boy i really liked slipped a lollipop into the pocket of my skirt without me knowing. yum!

well, later in the day, i asked if he was heading to the sfmoma for sure. he asked me what i was talking about. i was totally MORTIFIED. i guess when he asked me to go the previous week, he didn’t really get that i had accepted his invitation, so he was surprised that i was actually going to go with him. he had invited another friend, so i tried to play it cool and said that i could do something else that night, but he assured me that it would be fine if i came along.

we walked from work together to sfmoma, talking and laughing. he is into many photographers, but in particular, robert frank and henry wessel. it was so inspiring to listen to him talk about what he loved and tries to do with his own photography…he was getting hotter by the second. then his friend showed up. his friend literally went through the robert frank exhibit in less than 10 minutes and left. my workplace crush had seen the show 5 times already, so he sorta stayed in the same room as me, but let me take my precious time looking around. when i was done, we went our separate ways. on my muni ride home, i was quite inspired to take more pictures like frank, and i began to look at the world in a whole, different way. it was really cool, but i must admit that when i got home, i was feeling sorta like a huge idiot. i imagined the outing with my workplace crush going so differently in my mind. i thought we’d have a magic moment where he’d look at me and just know what my heart was feeling and wishing for, and he’d lean in and kiss me sweetly and passionately, but the reality was sooooooooo different. we didn’t even touch hands. i did touch his back gently to tell him i was ready to go. it was definitely not the french film i played in my head! (it made me think how love is never ever equal: the guy over the weekend likes me, i like my workplace crush, and my workplace crush likes some other hottie mctottie, i’m sure.)

this week at work, we are still sorta silly around each other—we got to talking about stuff and he mentioned that he had a small relationship history. i told him mine was a series of very tiny relationships. i tried to flirt with him a bit and said, “i’d think all the lovely ladies and chaps would be falling over each other trying to get with a smart, handsome guy like him. doesn’t he have to fight them off with a bat?!” he replied, “you’d think?!” ugh! i wish i could read his mind for just a few minutes to assess the situation better…tee hee. i guess that’s the fun of having a crush. i feel like i’ve given him all the clues and hints that i’m open to hanging out and getting to know him better, but sometimes i think guys can be completely clueless?

besides straddling him at his desk or coming right out and saying, “hey, i’m smitten with you!”, what’s this girl to do? :p

i got balls the size of a peanut…

i don’t know what got into me yesterday, but there’s this cute boy on the muni i’ve seen a few times. he is always typing away on his iphone, and i’m always listening to my nano, so we don’t really have an occasion or reason to talk. so yesterday morning, we made eye contact and i sorta smiled. then i was standing next to him for awhile, but he was still going at it on his iphone. it got a little too crowded near me, so i switched to the other side, but then the crowd pushed him to my side of the muni, and we were standing really close together. i racked my brains for something clever, something amazing, but panicked cuz we were coming very close to my stop, so i mustered all the courage i could find and pulled an earplug out of my left ear, pressed my finger gently against the leather strap of his bag resting along his chest, and i said, “i like your bag. it’s really sharp.” he looked down at me and smiled and said, “thanks.” i giggled a little and put the plug right back in. as i left the muni, i waved and said, “have a great day.” he wished me the same, and i walked off into the sunset. it was brilliant!

ok, ok, nothing really big, but i’m pretty proud of myself for having the mini balls to just say something. i mean it’s not like we’re married now, but at least, i’m taking a baby step towards conquerring my uber fear of talking to attractive men. ;p

so during the day with this newfound baby ball in my pants, i got to talking with my crush at work, nothing major or anything. he sent me some hilarious clips of “it’s always sunny in philadelphia” that almost made me pee in my panties. then he sent a link to some photographs he had recently taken and they were amazing, really thoughtful pictures of unusual moments of his trip to new york and washington. i loved what he saw through his camera lens, and i’m not just saying that cuz i’ve got a crush on him. he’s got a great eye for storytelling with his images. anyhoot, i call upon my mini balls again and suggest we might go check out a photography exhibit together sometime, and he replies that he’s been going to the moma quite a lot and that next thursday, he was going to go, so i could join him. i played it off nonchalant and said, “that sounds like fun.” inside, i was all giggles, ice cream, unicorns and poprocks. but i had to pop my own bubble because that bubble is already in a french film where two quirky people finally meet and take the perfect photograph of smitten, but i need to remember that this is NOT a lovely french film, this is reality. i’m trying to keep my feet on the solid ground cuz 1) we’re co-workers, 2) he might have a girlfriend, 3) he might not be into me at all, 4) ummm, do you really need a fourth reason???

anyhoot, so i wake up this morning, feeling like cartoon bluebirds are singing on my shoulder, i get to the muni in hopes of seeing cute muni boy. ka-boom! i bumped into andy, handsome as ever, of course! we are chatting away, and i’m thinking to myself, “oh, andy, you could have had all this sweet loving, but you chose to let me go! what a darn fool you are?!! damn you for looking so handsome to me still.” i still managed to keep the conversation light and funny, and as i got off the muni, i gave him a hug and said, “we should get together soon.” his birthday is next tuesday, but i couldn’t even bare to whisper a good birthday wish cuz i know he hates that i still think of him so lovingly.

but i still mustered enough love for myself to  get back on that happy train where i got balls the size of a peanut!

crushes are meant for crushing…

i’ve got a bit of a schoolgirl crush on a new co-worker of mine. i thought it was a passing fancy, but in my state of no dating at the moment, he’s like the only male eye candy i get to lick on throughout the day. yum, yum, give me some!!!

i think how much fun it would be to actually secret-date him outside of work. like act like we’re just co-workers by day, but afterwards, we’d be holding hands, going to shows, cuddling over a silly episode of “it’s always sunny in philadelphia” (he just introduced me to the show a few days ago), smooching for hours like teenagers everywhere we go, and getting to know each other’s quirks and having inside jokes and sneaking off to lunch without anyone knowing that we’re together for real…tee hee. oh, and maybe exchanging silly faces at each other throughout our work day without anyone really noticing. mmmmmm, it’d be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sweet. i miss kissing someone who’s sweet on me.

ok, i won’t lie, it’d be uber fun to fuck his brains out, but i think that usually fucks things up quickly and messily. i like these first innocent giggles and the elation of the woo. nowadays, i think we as a society tend to jump into bed too soon, we miss out in the enjoyment of the first few glances, the butterflies caused by a smile, and walking around in a fuzzy daze of smitten.

so for now, i’m going to make these giggles last for as long as i can…cuz we all know that crushes are meant for crushing. as far as i know, he could be living with his girlfriend, on his way to proposing, and even if not that, he might just see me as a co-worker, but in the world inside my head, he’s got a bit of a crush on me, too.

how often do you fake it???

ok, how many of you ladies out there “fake” it???

i don’t think i’ve ever faked it per se, but sometimes i know for guys, they like to get their ego’s stroked, so i do make my moans a bit juicer than they necessarily have to be. most of the time, i get mini orgasms that build up to a huge orgasm where i’m cussing like a mother fucker and am left hyperventilating in pure ecstasy. yum! sometimes though i just have rolling mini orgasms which are really nice that don’t amount to the big crescendo, but the guy is working his darnedest to get me there, so i have to fake it a little doing my kegel exercises to get him to finally cum for god’s sake. is that bad of me?

i mean as long as he’s having a good time and i’m having a good time, i’m not keeping track of orgasm points on some imaginary score board. when it cums to sex, i’m all about the yummy journey, not always the destination. don’t get me wrong, when i’m with a guy, there’s nothing better than climaxing together and feeling like i’m literally going to die from pleasure, but if you can’t get me to squirt and pass out each and every time, i’m still enjoying the kisses, the acrobats, the excitement of feeling your hard cock sliding inside me, the smell of your skin, the taste of your lips, your playful fingers, the skill of your tongue, and the amazing tingly sensation you give to my wet cunt. you’re doing wonderfully…keep fucking me please.

i sometimes do have penis envy. you, guys, have this appendage that basically shows the world exactly what’s going on and when you’re about to explode, you do sooOOOOOOOOOOOO completely and so milky. we, girls are not wondering if you had your jollies or not. i know you guys might be jealous that we can enjoy mulitiple orgasms, but man, i can’t tell you exactly how to get me off each and every time. i don’t even know how to do it for myself in my private playtime, so i don’t can’t say that i envy your part in making me cum, but it’d be nice to have a body part that is so easily turned on and satisfied each and every time. there has not been one cock i haven’t been able to fully satisfy with my tight cunt or multi-talented tongue (oh, i must of told you about a time,  i got a guy to cum just from rubbing his cock between my boobs—i love how you guys explode each and every  time—it’s great!).

i mean do guys ever have to fake it? keep it real. ;p